Wednesday, 28 August 2013

The Queen and Her Castle

I am weak.

I am fragile.

I am everything I thought I would not be.

I always thought I was strong. Nothing and no one could touch me. The heart that had been the source of constant pain had, to my knowledge, been apoptosed.

After everything I lost and everything I endured I figured I would be safe if I built a castle around myself. Painstaking as it was, I laboured on till I had built up the defences to my exact specifications. Twenty metre high walls too smooth to find a foothold and topped with high voltage electric wiring. A moat eight metres wide fully equipped with alligators. On the offhand chance that someone made it passed this they would find themselves doused in boiling oil. With bowmen, spearmen, a cavalry and foot soldiers at my dispense I comfortably sat in my tower and built my strength.

Never again would I be caught unaware.

Never again would I hurt.

Never would I cry.

Or so I thought.

It takes one daring ranger, up for the challenge to find a way passed all your defences. It takes stealth and guts but he possessed them all. Disguised as one of my own he found his way into the castle and by winning the trust of those around him, he gained my notice. Summoning him into my presence is probably a moment I will always look back at with ambivalence.

He sauntered in upon his high horse, dashing and charming and won me over with his grace and wit. He became my trusted advisor, friend and somewhere along the way the lines were blurred and he became more than just that. He came to mean more to me than my vendetta for self-protection.

He filled my waking hours with his presence and filled my sleep with dreams filled with a myriad of colours where once there only stood darkness. I knew the risks, but I perceived my walls to be so strong that should things go south I would be fine.

All the pain that led me up to the moment he walked into my throne room seemed worth it. Had it not been for the pain I would never have met him, he would never have healed me and I would never have known happiness. Yet happiness is such a fickle emotion. It comes and goes as easily as a rain storm and leaves nothing but destruction and devastation in its path.

Despite knowing all of this, I rushed in. I gave too much too soon and found myself in love. Love and happiness cannot exist simultaneously for too long. Eventually one will leave and you will either find happiness alone or love with pain. I thought I could have the best of both worlds. I believed that falling in love with him was the best thing that could have ever happened to me and I let my defences down. Worst mistake ever! I let my army slack, did not push them as hard and when happiness left and the storm of destruction beat down upon us I was unprepared.   

I broke.

No, I shattered into a million pieces.

Every tear I swore I would never shed found itself cascading down my overflowing conjunctiva. My castle began to fall apart. My army scattered and my walls falling I turned to the one person I believed would shelter me from it all only to realise that he was the reason I was falling apart. The single most important person in my life, the sole person to hold both my love and my trust was the one waiting with the dagger to plunge in to my heart. Betrayed I fled.

I withdrew more and more into myself and here I lie.

Weak

Devoid of emotion

Hurt

Crying

And with no escape from the destruction I brought upon myself.

Trust no one for even when you think you are strong enough to find a way out if they break your heart, you will realise that you are weak and feeble and will destroy everything you worked so hard to build.

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