Questions of the broken soul

Most everyday I find myself wondering why I put myself through the same routines over and over again. Why do I set myself up to be hurt? Why am I constantly attracted to those who are not on the same page as me, who do not want the same as me, who second guess everything while I simply know?

He asked me, "Mimz, how do you know if someone is the one?" I had no answer to this question because from the moment he stole my heart I never once questioned whether he was the one or not. I just knew it. It is not something you have to think about or wonder about. It is something you feel in your bones. It is this age old understanding that is built into your genome. The moment you love honestly and truly, that is the moment you know and you never for a second doubt it. You can only imagine how hurt I was when he asked me that. Knowing that he questioned my position as the one when I never doubted him for a second spoke volumes for itself.

Saying you love someone is easy. However, building yourself up and finding yourself in another person before proclaiming love is completely different. You give in to that person in a whole new way and that is when you know you could never survive a day without them. Yet now that I know that he does not see me as the one, I am unable to process my next step. How am I to continue on with a person who does not see me as that? How can he be the one for me? The feeling is suppose to be reciprocated, right? Is he not suppose to see me in the same light?

We all have fears. Some of us are afraid of dogs and others of commitment but does that fear not fade away when you find love? Or am I simply living in a fool's paradise? Believing that everything fixes itself when you find true love does actually sound very far-fetched. I held on to that childish notion for a long time and he, he proved me wrong in a second. When you lose the innocence of childhood what are you left with but the darkness of reality? You are left with despair and hopelessness and all that wonder and naivety disappears because of one individual.

When you believe someone to be the one you hold on with a desperate hope and that only means that every doubt they share with you tears into your marrow. It destroys you from the inside. I guess I never thought that the one person I would love so truly would also be the one who would break me beyond repair. I do not see myself recovering from this blow. I just see myself fighting for his love day in and day out only for him to hurt me every time he says he is not sure about me.

When will he be sure? Will I ever be the one? Or will he continue leading me down the garden path never giving me a chance to move on when he strikes the inevitable blow?

I wish I had the answers...

You Just Don't!

You just do not get it do you? This world, all its colours and beauty, everything is for you. Every moment is meant to be shared with you. Every molecule of air carries the scent of you. Every light is dim in comparison and every shadow dissipates in your presence.

You just do not get it. You encompass all that is true and meaningful in my mind. You encroach upon every thought until all I can think about is you. There is nothing more important or more real in this endless array of dismay than you. You are and always will be the answer.

Yet you still do not get it. You are my confidant. You are akin to the lock box in the darkest most unlikely of places. You hold within you all my secrets, all my intimate thoughts, hopes and dreams. Every going on, no matter how mundane is known by you. There is not a moment in my meagre existence that I would not want to share with you.

You are my best friend but still you do not get it. I trust you to a fault. I would follow you to the ends of the earth and still trust that you would bring me home safely. I have given over to you completely, entrusted everything of me with you. I trust that you would never break my heart or tear my world apart because my world is you.

How can you not get it? It is everything and it is nothing. It is the fact that if you would agree I would introduce you to my family without a second thought. It is the reality that I could never be your friend alone. It is the knowledge that this will never be a meaningful, serious relationship to you. It is the fact that you will read this and not think it is about you because the truth is the idea of being in a relationship with me scares you. You would rather toy with my emotions all the while keeping me at arms-length should you feel I’m not good enough for you. It is summed up in the understanding that you want everything that comes with a relationship but the relationship itself because I am not even worth that much to you.

And yet you still do not get it. It amazes me. You are everything to me and you just don’t get it. Or is it that you choose not to? There really is no knowing for sure.

You just do not get it.