Thursday, 5 December 2013
Friday, 29 November 2013
Weakness... One loaded word that is easily loathed. Showing weakness of any form is easily despised by the strong or by those aspiring to be so. Yet behind closed doors...
I have always believed that showing weakness in front of others was a terrible move to make. In order to be respected, loved and understood one had to always put on a brave face and breaking down, shying away from the facade in any way, would only result in others looking down upon me. So naturally I mastered the poker face and never let it be known that I was afraid, hurting, sad or any other emotion associated with "weakness".
As previously mentioned though, behind closed doors it was a different story. Being very emotional and easily affected by others I would find myself a ball of depression and devastation. The walls so easily fell away and I would be as vulnerable as a new born baby. Helpless and afraid I grew to despise even those moments of weakness. I hated showing any shred of emotion that left me so bereft.
However, I started realising that the people I cared for or who cared for me became increasingly worried by my lack of emotion. My ability to hide all forms of pain and anguish scared them more than me bawling my eyes out - something I couldn't understand. I thought seeing me together and well would ease their worries but they yearned to see me vulnerable. They wanted to know I was human, I felt. Not that they thought I was an alien or anything! They just didn't understand me.
I believe, based on experience, that when you allow yourself to be vulnerable people easily take advantage of you. You are easily manipulated and used when you are unable to think beyond the emotions clouding your judgement. Having been in that situation time and time again I knew it had to stop, I had to stop letting people see me as such. The problem is in order to be such you have to shut people out. The fortress can't let anyone in.
It works well till someone comes along with the sledgehammer and won't take no for an answer.
It is scary ... Letting someone see you at your weakest and all that is going through your mind is how will they use your present state to their betterment. What is even more scary is when all they want is to just be there for you... No ulterior motives. I have no idea how to handle the idea of someone just wanting to help me through the tough times. It makes me want to close up even more, hide away within myself. The fact that someone cares that much about me seems unreal and opening up, as hard as it is, and as perverted as it sounds, is rather difficult.
Trusting a person not to hurt you is incredibly hard but when you do, when you decide enough is enough and let yourself be vulnerable in front of someone, it is more significant than any declaration of love. It is an irrevocable moment, there is no turning back... You've given in...
Sunday, 24 November 2013
I have been grappling with pain I just can’t seem to escape. As the year comes to a close I find myself still drowning in the tears that first made me start this blog. Time moves on, yes that is true, but somehow I can not seem to move on with it.
That is what happens when you find yourself with all this free time and no way with which to occupy it. The campus year is over, stress has disappeared, friends and loved ones are off on their own missions and everyone just seems so happy. Yet here I sit, unable to sleep, tearful, in pain and I just cannot seem to find a way out of it and worse I have no one to share it with.
I have always been the kind of person who dared not share her issues with those around her. Appearing strong and together has always been my greatest confidence booster but now, all I crave is a shoulder to cry on, someone to hear my woes, comfort me and reassure me that this pain will abate and that they will be there always.
From the moment my cousin left this world and I spent my week of mourning crying myself into dehydration, I chose to bury the pain and grief in a corner of my mind. I filed it away and said I would never go there again and like that I found myself able to move on. I accepted that he had to go and all the other things that come with acceptance but I just could not come to terms with the fact that I would never get to see him again or even say good bye. So I guess forgetting my pain seemed the best plan at the time.
Studying and friends kept me busy and I had no time to dwell on the pain which was fine by me. Truth be told I really believed I had my shit together and that I would be fine. It is funny how one small moment can trigger a cascade of emotion just as a single laceration in the skin can open oneself up to a multitude of bacteria. It was something so small – a friend singing a song as he walked me home “shawty like a melody in my head…” and suddenly I was transported back into the past to a time where things were much different. I remembered the countless hours we spent listening to that song until we were so sick of the words that we could not hear that song without throwing up a little in our mouths.
Just like that I found myself growing restless every night, unable to sleep or eat properly and forcing smiles while secretly I was dying inside. Slowly the darkness crept back in. The box was overturned and the flood gates opened. I found myself falling apart and here I am… unable to breathe from the sheer force of the pain that is radiating through my chest. I cannot for a second understand how I made it through since April. How could I have possibly put these feelings off for so long? The loss I had to bear was so colossal, so unbearable that I cannot even comprehend how I am even able to type out these feelings. I guess when you have no one to talk to this is all you have.
I hate the pity I see in peoples’ eyes when I share this with them. I hate people feeling sorry for me and feeling bad for me. I miss the people who instead of offering up pointless “I'm sorry’s” would just talk shit with me for hours or tell me all the bad things in their life so I would not feel so bad about my own. Those people don’t exist in my life anymore so instead I have to air out my feelings to a virtual audience and just hope I can gain some solace from it.
I feel myself dying a little each day that I am forced to stave off these emotions. All I seek is the comfort of the closed box in the forgotten corner of my mind and even that eludes me. Would someone please roll me a joint so I may smoke away my pain? Because I am fresh out of ideas and I am dying inside, I am losing myself.
No, this is not a cry for help.
This is me just crying myself to sleep one day at a time.
Friday, 8 November 2013
Thursday, 7 November 2013
Thursday, 31 October 2013
“At first, when we truly love someone, our greatest fear is that the loved one will stop loving us. What we should fear and dread, of course, is that we won’t stop loving them, even after they're dead and gone. For I still love you with the whole of my heart. And sometimes, my friend, the love I have and can’t give to you, crushes the breath from my chest. Sometimes, even now, my heart is drowning in a sorrow that has no stars without you, and no laughter, and no sleep”. (Shantaram- Gregory David Roberts)
Saturday, 19 October 2013
I think I have over stepped , reached too far and expected too much. That's the problem when we step out of our comfort zones and try and reach for the stars so far away.
Everybody deserves the best for them and this of course differs between person to person and on the situation. There is rarely a time when two people will find themselves deserving of the same thing. I don't say that some people deserve better than others, I'm simply stating that every person has a different standard and should reach out for it.
We set the bar for our expectations and hopes either too high or too low. We usually opt for the latter when we are afraid that we might not get what we deserve and by doing such we are more likely to find something. The problem with this type of thinking however is that we vastly underestimate what we are worthy of and find ourselves constantly hurt by the choices we make. We settle for far less than we should and that serves to achieve nothing.
In other situations we find ourselves setting the bar just way too high. We want too much and have so many requirements and standards that finding a person or situation that meets all of them becomes impossible. Instead we find ourselves constantly turning down opportunity after opportunity simply because we believe that we are more deserving. In the end we find ourselves realising that the list was far too unrealistic to start with. If you are lucky the realisation comes early enough to make amends and search anew. However for the vast majority of people out there, this only occurs when we have spent the vast majority of our lives and time searching for the fulfillment of our requirements. By the time we realise we had expected too much we have neither the time nor the energy to go out and try again.
It is imperative to set a standard that is compatible with the person and situation you are in. You can't go out expecting a diamond when you are still being refined. Like minded people are automatically attracted to each other and you can't expect someone completely out of the box to step into your radar. While this isn't impossible, it is a realistic way of approaching the situation. Some may say the person is out of your league. I beg to differ as no one person is better than another as the statement suggests. Instead, they are not compatible or they just don't match up with what you are deserving of.
Again, we all deserve what is best for us but to determine what the best is we have to understand who we are and what agrees and brings out the best in us. Because while the person may match you impeccably on paper, if they fail at making you better or bringing out the positivity in you, you are safer reaching out for the outlier who is so different from the general standard that he doesn't belong there at all.
Realising your worth, and realising what you are worthy of is an important stepping stone in building up our esteem. Many a time we underestimate our worth despite so many people seeing otherwise. Sometimes the only way we can truly see it is by listening to how others see us and above all believing it to be true.
See your worth, set the standard and don't go out reaching for the fanciest star in the sky. Those are the ones most likely to burn you.