And I will be alone again
And he will be unscathed
Most everyday I find myself wondering why I put myself through the same routines over and over again. Why do I set myself up to be hurt? Why am I constantly attracted to those who are not on the same page as me, who do not want the same as me, who second guess everything while I simply know?
He asked me, "Mimz, how do you know if someone is the one?" I had no answer to this question because from the moment he stole my heart I never once questioned whether he was the one or not. I just knew it. It is not something you have to think about or wonder about. It is something you feel in your bones. It is this age old understanding that is built into your genome. The moment you love honestly and truly, that is the moment you know and you never for a second doubt it. You can only imagine how hurt I was when he asked me that. Knowing that he questioned my position as the one when I never doubted him for a second spoke volumes for itself.
Saying you love someone is easy. However, building yourself up and finding yourself in another person before proclaiming love is completely different. You give in to that person in a whole new way and that is when you know you could never survive a day without them. Yet now that I know that he does not see me as the one, I am unable to process my next step. How am I to continue on with a person who does not see me as that? How can he be the one for me? The feeling is suppose to be reciprocated, right? Is he not suppose to see me in the same light?
We all have fears. Some of us are afraid of dogs and others of commitment but does that fear not fade away when you find love? Or am I simply living in a fool's paradise? Believing that everything fixes itself when you find true love does actually sound very far-fetched. I held on to that childish notion for a long time and he, he proved me wrong in a second. When you lose the innocence of childhood what are you left with but the darkness of reality? You are left with despair and hopelessness and all that wonder and naivety disappears because of one individual.
When you believe someone to be the one you hold on with a desperate hope and that only means that every doubt they share with you tears into your marrow. It destroys you from the inside. I guess I never thought that the one person I would love so truly would also be the one who would break me beyond repair. I do not see myself recovering from this blow. I just see myself fighting for his love day in and day out only for him to hurt me every time he says he is not sure about me.
When will he be sure? Will I ever be the one? Or will he continue leading me down the garden path never giving me a chance to move on when he strikes the inevitable blow?
I wish I had the answers...
Weakness... One loaded word that is easily loathed. Showing weakness of any form is easily despised by the strong or by those aspiring to be so. Yet behind closed doors...
I have always believed that showing weakness in front of others was a terrible move to make. In order to be respected, loved and understood one had to always put on a brave face and breaking down, shying away from the facade in any way, would only result in others looking down upon me. So naturally I mastered the poker face and never let it be known that I was afraid, hurting, sad or any other emotion associated with "weakness".
As previously mentioned though, behind closed doors it was a different story. Being very emotional and easily affected by others I would find myself a ball of depression and devastation. The walls so easily fell away and I would be as vulnerable as a new born baby. Helpless and afraid I grew to despise even those moments of weakness. I hated showing any shred of emotion that left me so bereft.
However, I started realising that the people I cared for or who cared for me became increasingly worried by my lack of emotion. My ability to hide all forms of pain and anguish scared them more than me bawling my eyes out - something I couldn't understand. I thought seeing me together and well would ease their worries but they yearned to see me vulnerable. They wanted to know I was human, I felt. Not that they thought I was an alien or anything! They just didn't understand me.
I believe, based on experience, that when you allow yourself to be vulnerable people easily take advantage of you. You are easily manipulated and used when you are unable to think beyond the emotions clouding your judgement. Having been in that situation time and time again I knew it had to stop, I had to stop letting people see me as such. The problem is in order to be such you have to shut people out. The fortress can't let anyone in.
It works well till someone comes along with the sledgehammer and won't take no for an answer.
It is scary ... Letting someone see you at your weakest and all that is going through your mind is how will they use your present state to their betterment. What is even more scary is when all they want is to just be there for you... No ulterior motives. I have no idea how to handle the idea of someone just wanting to help me through the tough times. It makes me want to close up even more, hide away within myself. The fact that someone cares that much about me seems unreal and opening up, as hard as it is, and as perverted as it sounds, is rather difficult.
Trusting a person not to hurt you is incredibly hard but when you do, when you decide enough is enough and let yourself be vulnerable in front of someone, it is more significant than any declaration of love. It is an irrevocable moment, there is no turning back... You've given in...