Canopus

A dedication to my muse – my everything

There is an old Greek legend that states that humans were created with two heads, four arms and four legs. Fearing their power, Zeus chose to split them in half and condemn them to a life constantly in search of each other.

It is one of those legends that encourage people to believe that out there exists someone to make them whole. It enforces the principle that soul mates do exist and that there really is only one person for each of us. This is pretty hard to believe when one realises that the ratio of females to males is so disproportionate that a lot of females out there will probably spend eternity searching and never finding the elusive one.

I always gave in to this cynical perspective. Being young and naïve it only seemed fitting that the chance of me finding a partner who was made for me was all bullshit. The world is filled with harsh truths and what makes it harder is that most of these truths are hidden behind well-disguised lies in the form of legends and fairy tales that we constantly repeat to our lonely and pathetic souls in hope that we can find a reason to wake up each morning. I never saw the point in doing so and my sole purpose for getting up each morning was to set out and make other people realise the same.

I guess one can say that I was pretty fucked up. However, I cannot be to blame for the sucker punch that life so ardently dealt out to me that made me become the cynical soul-sucking bitch that I was. I guess that’s the beauty of life. Sometimes you are allocated a not so fair proportion of pain and disappointment to make the beauty of what is still to come that much more amazing.

That’s the story I guess. In the midst of my crap storm upon humanity a male counterpart with one head, two arms and two legs stumbled into my life with as much grace as a bear doing ballet. The impregnable fort was just that though… no matter how hard I tried, and try I did the idea of giving up on my rant against soul mates and happily ever after continuously struggled against the reality that I had found it all in this one person.

If I thought I was an impregnable fort I have no words to describe just how impenetrable his defences were. He was (and still is) the Berlin Wall meets the Great Wall of China meets the Pentagon meets an overprotective father with a teenage daughter. The idea of letting me in terrifies him. He has all these booby traps set up for every time I make it passed one of his many layers. He fears the idea that he may need another person, may rely on them and fears more the idea that another person could care for him so truly and so unconditionally that they would spend years trying to get pass all those defences.

And that is what draws me to him. The vulnerability that resides within those walls, the person I have briefly glimpsed behind that fortress speaks to my soul. He is not a soul mate, he is not the one and he is none of the other things countless women spend their lives in search of. He is me. He is a part of me that hides behind years of heart ache and disappointment. He is the me I want to be, the me I strive to be and the me I never knew I could be. He sees all my flaws and is constantly at the receiving end of my bitterness with life, my bitchiness, my insecurities and my fears. Despite all of this he sees the me hidden in the darkest corner of my soul. He sees the person I am underneath it all – my potential and my capabilities – and strives to make it a reality. He deals with all my fucked up moods and crazy rants because he knows who I am. He knows that I am him.

Yeah, I am paranoid and pretty messed up. I fail to see the good and always expect the worst in situations and I always live with the fear that this is too good to be true. He knows that. He knows I am a terribly emotional, dead-beat gothic type creature who has had it rough in the world. He accepts that I am the darker side to him. Where he is the light that brings meaning and understanding, I am the shadows cast as the light shines, hiding all the imperfections but also bringing cool and shade from the brilliance that is him.

He calls himself Canopus, the second brightest star in the constellation.  Little does he know that to me he is Sirius, the brightest of the stars. He is the furious light that illuminates my world. He awakens my soul and brings life to the trembling child hiding behind her fortress. He is my Canopus.