The Queen and Her Castle

I am weak.

I am fragile.

I am everything I thought I would not be.

I always thought I was strong. Nothing and no one could touch me. The heart that had been the source of constant pain had, to my knowledge, been apoptosed.

After everything I lost and everything I endured I figured I would be safe if I built a castle around myself. Painstaking as it was, I laboured on till I had built up the defences to my exact specifications. Twenty metre high walls too smooth to find a foothold and topped with high voltage electric wiring. A moat eight metres wide fully equipped with alligators. On the offhand chance that someone made it passed this they would find themselves doused in boiling oil. With bowmen, spearmen, a cavalry and foot soldiers at my dispense I comfortably sat in my tower and built my strength.

Never again would I be caught unaware.

Never again would I hurt.

Never would I cry.

Or so I thought.

It takes one daring ranger, up for the challenge to find a way passed all your defences. It takes stealth and guts but he possessed them all. Disguised as one of my own he found his way into the castle and by winning the trust of those around him, he gained my notice. Summoning him into my presence is probably a moment I will always look back at with ambivalence.

He sauntered in upon his high horse, dashing and charming and won me over with his grace and wit. He became my trusted advisor, friend and somewhere along the way the lines were blurred and he became more than just that. He came to mean more to me than my vendetta for self-protection.

He filled my waking hours with his presence and filled my sleep with dreams filled with a myriad of colours where once there only stood darkness. I knew the risks, but I perceived my walls to be so strong that should things go south I would be fine.

All the pain that led me up to the moment he walked into my throne room seemed worth it. Had it not been for the pain I would never have met him, he would never have healed me and I would never have known happiness. Yet happiness is such a fickle emotion. It comes and goes as easily as a rain storm and leaves nothing but destruction and devastation in its path.

Despite knowing all of this, I rushed in. I gave too much too soon and found myself in love. Love and happiness cannot exist simultaneously for too long. Eventually one will leave and you will either find happiness alone or love with pain. I thought I could have the best of both worlds. I believed that falling in love with him was the best thing that could have ever happened to me and I let my defences down. Worst mistake ever! I let my army slack, did not push them as hard and when happiness left and the storm of destruction beat down upon us I was unprepared.   

I broke.

No, I shattered into a million pieces.

Every tear I swore I would never shed found itself cascading down my overflowing conjunctiva. My castle began to fall apart. My army scattered and my walls falling I turned to the one person I believed would shelter me from it all only to realise that he was the reason I was falling apart. The single most important person in my life, the sole person to hold both my love and my trust was the one waiting with the dagger to plunge in to my heart. Betrayed I fled.

I withdrew more and more into myself and here I lie.

Weak

Devoid of emotion

Hurt

Crying

And with no escape from the destruction I brought upon myself.

Trust no one for even when you think you are strong enough to find a way out if they break your heart, you will realise that you are weak and feeble and will destroy everything you worked so hard to build.

Self-Pity

Self-pity gnaws at my consciousness. I cannot think nor can I comprehend how or what or why I am sitting in this empty room filled with fear, questioning everything and everyone.

My dilapidated life tends to appear whole and well to the odd passer-by. Little do they know of the emotions that constantly assail my waking hours. They know nothing of the struggles, the constant roller coaster of pain and exhilaration that has been these last 8 months. They see the smile and the cheerfulness, rarely do they see a glimmer of pain but this is easily brushed off with a simple “I'm just tired”. They don't question beyond and that is fine by me. My pain has always been my own.

I can't help but run through the usual process of self-pity. The usual questions of ‘why me?’ and ‘won't things ever get better?’ seem quite redundant when you've been repeating them for so long. They lose their meaning and their intent. Or perhaps it is just that I have been feeling sorry for myself for so long that it has become a norm.

That aside, what gets me the most is when I finally think I've got it all figured out. I mean really, you would think after the year I've had I would finally have some sort of luck. I thought so too. I assumed everything was finally falling into place in the most unlikely way. The least expected occurrence comes along and suddenly I feel like I've got everything figured out. Well that’s what you think…. What you know though is a totally different thing.

It does come as quite a shock when you realise that everything isn’t really smooth sailing as you initially perceived it to be. Just like Guillain-Barre Syndrome, the onset is insidious. You wake up one morning expecting everything to run as it always has only to realise that you have ascending paraesthesia and no way to do anything about it.

It comes as a huge shock followed by such overwhelming self-pity that you can no longer function. You want to cry, scream and yell. Sleeping seems the only escape from this sudden hell-hole that you have found yourself in and food well…. It no longer appeals to you. What is the most shocking thing of all is that all of this has occurred in just under 18 hours. Shocking right? To be so affected by one small change in events is nothing short of sinister on life’s behalf.

The worse thing is that you can't do much about it. You just have to leave it in the hands of destiny and hope against hope (something I'm not fond of) that things will work out in your favour. However, in order for that to happen you have to wait. Patience has never been my strong point and it is only exacerbated by the onslaught of terrible thoughts and emotions that seem to take over everything I do.

So while I wait for what I hope will be the answer to all my sorrows I have decided to sleep away the pain. At least in my drug-induced coma I don't have to deal with the heartache, anger and pain. Everything just sort of slips away and I am at peace.

Choice, Lessons and Ignorance

We live and we learn. We face all sorts of trials and tribulations and come out having gained some sort of insight. We learn that all our actions have consequences and we always have a choice. The things we do, the people we allow in to our lives and the way we treat others are all a choice.

We can either love or hate, interact or be indifferent. Whatever we chose, regardless of the outcome, is something we have to live with. Sometimes we don't realise the negative impact of our choices and continue on with them. We live in disillusion, telling ourselves that we have no idea why we are doing things or that they just played out in a certain way. The truth of the matter however, is that we allowed it to happen as such. We could have done otherwise, chosen a different route, but instead we followed the path and didn't differ.

The sad thing is, when the proverbial shit hits the fan we have no one else to blame but ourselves. We made that choice. We determined the end result and just as a hypertensive who doesn't exercise ends up in hospital, so too do we end up hurting. What we do today will determine how we will feel tomorrow or sometime in the distant future.

It hurts more when our choices result in the loss of something dear to us. We don't even realise it but all the imperceptible little actions that govern our daily behaviour is nothing short of our destruction. We do these things without thinking and therein rests our downfall. We don't think beyond the moment or action. It that small space of time within which we make that irrevocable mistake we forget to think beyond. We forget the importance of projecting into the future and so that action results in the loss of what once mattered.

Again we have no one to blame but ourselves. Yet, instead of accepting responsibility for our actions we seek to lay the blame whichever way we can. We blame timing, fate and other people. What we fail to see is that we are the unalterable reason. No one else is responsible for you but you. Should you lose a person whom you care for dearly, it will be through your actions or failure thereof.

Like I've mentioned before, life will continue to teach us the same lesson continually until we learn it. Until we learn to accept responsibility for the choices we make, we will continue making the wrong ones believing we aren't doing anything wrong. I mean, why stop when you don't see anything wrong in it? It amazes me how inapt we are in realising the errors in our ways. We fail continually to see how our actions hurt others.

We live in nothing short of ignorance. While ignorance may be bliss for the oblivious, it can be our greatest curse. It can result in the demise of all things meaningful.

It can destroy us.

Tornado

If I had to contemplate how it all began I don't think I could possibly find the starting point nor even imagine the likelihood of there being an end, even though it seems an eventuality. It started with the usual caution and ‘beware the dog’ signs. Everyone who was anyone to me cautioned me against being brash and ‘acting out’. The lectures turned into seminars but the advice was all the same - boys are out for one thing and one thing only so be careful where you rest your heart.

Heeding the advice of others, however, when you are faced with a world so unlike anything you ever imagined is difficult. He stepped in like a gale wind and soon I found myself bowled over by the sheer force of him. Lost in the tornado my entire universe ended up spinning out of control and boy did I like the exhilaration.

If I had to sit down and count all the things that have come to light through this engagement of sorts I'd probably be sitting up all night. Yet, when first I asked myself, ‘why am I so smitten by it all?’ a few things did come to mind.

Firstly I never knew I was a humorous person. Seriously! Yes I have an exceptionally dirty mind, but there are only a select few who are privy to that sort of humour. I'm talking about honest-to-god, clean simple humour. It amazes me how much I can make him laugh without even trying. It is like all these really funny, cool thoughts just come striding into my consciousness whenever we are together. Or maybe he thinks they are funny even though they aren’t… or maybe he is laughing at me… or maybe he is trying to humour me by making me feel as though I'm capable of making others laugh!!! Oh no, there goes my complicated thought process again. Well regardless of what it is, he laughs – even at the perverted jokes, which is an instant +20 in my books.

Secondly, all these emotions manifest in his incredible childlike ease. It amazes me how simple and childish he can be all the while projecting a strong and mature front. His intolerable habit of rebelling every time he hears the word “no” or “don't” is a constant source of amusement. It is all summed up by the glint in his eyes followed by that terribly mischievous smile that crosses his face as he stretches out his hand to press the ominous red button clearly labelled “DO NOT TOUCH”. The more he is denied, the more he has to try it and the more annoying he becomes. Yet all of that amounts to me just falling more and more for him.

Thirdly he is a nerd of note. Reads the news, follows all these tech savvy websites and blogs and is constantly bombarding my daily life with all sorts of computer and programming jargon that sometimes I wonder if I am more in tune with the ways of technology than with a stethoscope. Worst of all I enjoy every minute of it. The pursuit of knowledge is an unquenchable thirst that he feeds with a litre of water every time we speak. I have learnt so much and I find it so incredibly (for want of a better word) hot that he is intelligent that I actually get weak around the knees. Terribly childish I know, but intelligence is just so…. well you can do that math on that one.

I find myself spiralling out of control as I let each gust of wind push me closer and closer to the edge. I am incapable of walking through it and as I let the wind tip me over the edge I can't help but hear all the warnings echo around me. So what if they are true? I can’t help but fall in love even though I know it is a bad idea. If all he wants is one thing, I'll just be another fool. Yet how can I know his true intentions without giving in to the emotions? 

And so I am lifted off my feet, like Dorothy's home, tossing about in this tornado unsure if I will emerge unscathed. It is a risk I fear I am willing to take.

Read all about it!

It is official! Guys are insufferable, dim-witted, thick skulled cretins that deserve a few sessions of shock therapy to open new neural pathways so that they may for the first time in their lives do the unthinkable… THINK.

While you might think I am stereotyping and being incredibly rude and horrid to the male species… I can guarantee you that I am NOT. Far too many years interacting with them on every level possible has led me to this conclusion.  It is undeniable and there is no escape. Men are insufferable when asked to think.

I sometimes wonder how it is possible that they are incapable of reading even the most obvious signs and signals. Fair enough, we women do play things a little difficult. We say things in a very roundabout way, we hate saying how we truly feel and we love going with the “You can do what you like” option. Really though, after thousands of years of civilization you are telling me that men have in no way evolved to the level where they have adapted to understanding us? This can't be possible.

Based on the number of jokes made regarding this very aspect you think men would learn. Many a truth is said in jest my dear, so open up your goddamn eyes and realise that there is a lot behind our offhand behaviour and apparent okay-ness. We are hurt and lost and confused and your obvious inability to see this despite being raised by a woman just makes things worse.

Sometimes I am of the opinion that appearing stupid by nature serves men in the sense that they don't have to deal with the repercussions of their actions. They just pass it off as “we are guys” or “you women are complicated” when in actual fact they are just avoiding the inescapable truth.

More times than not, we end up far more damaged and hurt. Gosh! Just grow a pair and realise we are afraid of losing you. We care, we love and we can't help but fall apart when you don't realise just how much you are hurting us. We aren't made of stone for heaven's sake.

I am seriously of the opinion that men may need to inject themselves with a little oestrogen from time to time to counteract the obvious detrimental effects of testosterone overdose on their brain cells. It makes them incapable of thinking beyond the dangling contraption of all things pleasurable that resides between their legs. Honestly, I think the vast amount of their brain power goes towards the utilisation of it and whatever little remains is overridden with sports and food.

If ever they spend any of their neural cells in contemplating their relationship toward us it will be a miracle. In layman’s terms… it is impossible. Not improbable, which would imply it could come to be, but impossible.

In the meantime, to all the women out there trying desperately to make him realise the most obvious of sentiments my advice is to not only articulate reeeaaalllyyyy slooooowwwwllllyyyy but to gesticulate, possibly learn sign language, invest in a huge poster and maybe even employ some skywriting.

If he still doesn’t realise he is being a douche consider homosexuality. At least we understand each other.

Those Eyes

I looked up from the glowing inferno that was my soul and my wandering gaze fumbled upon your eyes. Taken aback by the intensity of your smouldering gaze, I caught myself as I stumbled into their depths.

While the eyes still remain the window to the soul, his eyes were the escape I sought from the darkness of mine own. Looking into his eyes I realised that the darkness that has been consuming me could be forgotten. There was an escape route.

Like a meth addict I found myself going back again and again to find myself lost in the intensity of his stare. Those deep brown eyes burned into my being and laid me bare. They sought to see the conflict and madness dancing like wild flames against the backdrop of blood thirsty lions and mourning wolves. They saw all… they questioned nothing.

I still find myself drawn into their spiralling depths. I began to explore the dark hallways and locked doors hidden within those eyes. Consumed by what can only be described as a furious desire to overcome my pain, I discovered his. The locked doors, as friable as a cervical tumour, opened to my touch and images of pain and betrayal, love and lust, joy and hatred rushed to meet me.

Disorientated and consumed I realised the reason I was so drawn by that stare. They resembled my own pain. My own desire for understanding and meaning had attracted me to a like minded person. His pain was equivocal and as real and raw as my own. We sought to take comfort in each other's eyes for within them we found acceptance. It was suddenly okay to be broken and damaged. It didn't matter that the very fabric of our individual universes were coming apart. We had suddenly found each other and with it the opportunity to create a whole new world – one devoid of the emotions captured within our souls.

Yet those eyes… I could never escape them no matter where life takes me. They have been burned into my retinas and no matter the situation, I just have to close my own and I can see them. The wide-eyed, dark brown, long-lashed eyes deepened and enhanced by the depth of emotion and pain contained therein.

They are dynamic. When they chance upon me across a crowded room, or when they meet mine in the throes of intimacy they achieve nothing short of an electric jolt through the cerebrospinal fluid encasing my spinal cord. They have the ability to render me speechless not to mention throw me over the edge of nervousness.

Beneath his intense gaze I am nothing short of putty in his hands. Tremulous and trepid, I am lost and don't want to be found. I am consumed and could spend the rest of my days lost beneath his stare.

If only I could articulate the profound emotions that course through my veins when he looks at me so…

If only I could muster up the courage to let down my guard so he can visualise just how much he has stolen from me….

If only he knew the true power of his eyes…

They are… irresistible… unequivocal…

Lessons

I don't think it takes much to realise that you are falling down the rabbit hole yet again. Just when you thought you escaped the darkness and seemingly never-ending fall into a world you would rather not discover, you find yourself there again.

The worst part is that you keep telling yourself “never again” and “I have learnt from my mistakes” and yet there you go and make them again. Someone once told me that till you truly learn your lesson life will keep teaching it to you again and again. Boy was that person right.

Clearly I did not learn the most important lesson of all “love is a dangerous game”. With 30 Seconds to Mars blasting in my ears I hear yet another statement that fits in rather perfectly “hearts were made for breaking and for pain”. I guess I should have learnt that the last time I ended up with a broken heart.

Yet it is so easy to fall into the same trap again. To let yourself fall so easily for someone who projects the exact person you would have always wanted is the easy part. It is when you realise just how easily they can break your heart that the real lesson of life races toward you like a heart in atrial fibrillation – rapid and irregular.

It takes a single moment in time to totally and irrevocably give yourself over to a person and it is when this moment is over and you are laid bare that you realise just how much you are falling. It is in this moment, or the aftermath of it, that life will send you the inescapable curveball. Some statement said without much thought, or some realisation will hit and you will be left with the realisation that the two of you may not be in the same place. It could be that the emotions are reciprocated by the other but at the same time it could also be that they are hiding far more from you than you initially anticipated.

What then? The wounds carefully sutured need just a slight tug to reopen and leave you bleeding out. It might be easier to just let the blood gush out than rush and seek medical attention. Sometimes the end is better than starting all over again… sometimes there is no second, third or fourth chance at love.

Like I said… falling is the easy part, it is everything that comes with it that leaves you with a serious case of insomnia and no possible solution. Eating your way through slabs of chocolates and tubs of ice cream will only serve to make you fat not chance upon an epiphany.

I guess when you go places you never have before, you expect a lot more… you hope for a lot more than is actually there. You feel stupid and want to sever your femoral artery when you realise just how easily you let yourself be drawn in by a person who could disappear in a second, or worse – use you as a means of dealing with their own pain.

So here I am, learning my lesson again and again ….

Life, I think I've learnt my lesson now; can we please stop picking on me yet?