A profound sense of loss settles in the
centre of the abdomen. With it come sadness, emptiness, loneliness and
generalised dysfunction. Considering the possibility that I might be a manic
depressant does not seem that far-fetched when accompanied by the constant ups
and downs of my emotions in the space of an hour.
Yes, it is not wise to think I have a
problem when so many people out there actually do suffer from bipolar disorder.
It just feels lonely out here at the edge of civilization. Cell phone service
comes and goes and my relationships with the people I have left back in the big
city feels tenuous at best. Coming back to the little farm town that is my home
always makes me feel afraid. Life has a way of changing. It feels that when I
am out of sight I am most definitely out of mind.
It is like a rollercoaster of emotions. It
feels as though I will never be able to just be the simple carefree small town
girl. The city has changed me. In many ways I have become a far better person
than I ever was back home but in many more ways I feel like I have digressed. I
find it so hard to just simply be happy and it feels as though I expect too
much from life and the people I love. Expectations generally do lead to
disappointment but should that be applicable when what you expect is not really
far-fetched or unrealistic.
When I met him I never thought it would be
so difficult for one person to open up to me. The ability to express my emotions
has become that much easier and yet for him it is a labour. He cannot find it in
him to share the emotions that course within him amygdala and constantly says
it is for my own good. For my own good? What sort of bullshit is
that!? How can it be for my own good when the only idea that I am left with is the
realisation that his inability to share his feelings simply means he feels nothing for me. I get that some people are wired differently and their ability to
express emotion is deterred by their fear of being hurt etc. Yet, how do I keep
living in this world of supposed happiness when I never know where I stand in
his life. How do I be happy knowing that I am giving up every piece of me to
one person when they cannot do the same for me?
The reality is just that – he can walk away
with his life intact while I am falling to pieces all because I am too caught
up in this whirlpool of irrepressible emotions for this one human being while
he feels nothing for me. That is the truth… If he felt even an iota of emotion
toward me he would see how his detachment is breaking me apart, how much I am
falling to pieces. He is incapable of freeing my soul from this constant
uncertainty and sheer despair.
I have to accept the facts:
I am alone in my emotions
He may be fond of me but in no way does he love me
I will be crushed
My world will collapse
And I will be alone again
And he will be unscathed
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