Petri Dish of Uncertainties

I cannot contain these emotions that fester within the petri dish of my mind. The uncertainty coupled with the ever blossoming emotions leave me stunned. How do I decide what to do with myself? How do I overcome these fears?

It was all well and good when I lived with a simple, largely uncomplicated friendship. Sure we went through the motions of the usual opposite-gender based friendship: friends; are we more?; let’s try more; didn't work; back to friends. Usually going back to friendship is largely impossible but somehow that seemed to work for us. Just like an unwashed petri dish discovered penicillin, so too did our recombinant friendship result in so much more.

It is hard to give up on a friendship that is so simple. The ease by which we could communicate, the interest manifesting within our conversations and the aura of sorts that existed between our beings was hard to resist. Despite everything our kinship persisted.

Of course, the friendship alone wouldn't last too long. The feelings that had existed once would always find a way to creep back in but this time we were prepared. We were ready and the timing seemed appropriate. We flourished. We found strength in each other, found emotions hard to contain and now I find myself lost in this whirlpool of such strong emotion I fear I might drown.

I can't help but reiterate the simplicity. It is beyond comprehension. The way we flow and merge in everything we do is outstanding. Our thoughts and ideas, the way we understand the other just through a look or action, our love of the same things (each other included) and so much and more, just makes me fall more and more for him.

However, the uncertainty of what tomorrow (and in this case next year) shall bring looms over us like a blade of a guillotine. We have no way of knowing what will come to pass but we are aware of the options. In this 50/50 gamble we either make it or we don't. I fear that as my emotions continue to grow so too will I become more afraid of the inevitable.

I can't imagine him as anything other than a permanent fixture in my life. Should he leave I know I will be crushed. I will find a way to go on, we all do, but I don't want to reach that point. I don't want to imagine my life without him as he has come to mean so much to me in so short a time.

Sometimes you meet a person and in a short space of time you come to realise that you could spend your life with them. I could spend my life with you and never for a second grow tired of your incessant childishness and charm.

Yet my luck speaks for itself. Every person I find myself with finds themselves leaving for the City of Gold to live their dreams and while I will never hold him back, I can't help but pray he does not leave.

If he does it is clear as day to me – lesbianism is the only way to go.