Life would be a lot more bearable if everything you touched
actually turned to gold instead of a useless heap of dust. Sadly, we eventually
realise that King Midas’s curse is not common amongst us mere mortals and so we
must bear with the lot we are given.
It is a common occurrence to want to distance yourself from
something that brings you pain. You would rather lock it up in a box and
discard in in the dark recesses of your mind. This works well if the object of
your pain is something inanimate and intangible. What are you to do when this
source of pulsating pain is a walking, talking, breathing humanoid? In order to
deal with this conundrum you find yourself going through various stages.
Initially it is fairly easy to ignore the nagging voice in
the back of your mind that is screaming at you to run as fast as you can in the
opposite direction. You tell yourself that you can handle it, you’re a big
girl and this is nothing to work yourself up about. You pursue, engage and
continue in whatever manner you think would best suit your means… that is until
it no longer does. You find yourself unable to sleep and in the course of
working out why you have suddenly been driven to insomnia, you realise that the
voice, which sounded oddly like your mother, was spewing out a warning best not
ignored.
Realisation and acceptance of the situation you have so
willingly brought upon yourself doesn’t really help much. You now know that what
you are doing is wrong and impractical yet you keep at it as though it is okay.
On further evaluation it is clear that you are desperately clinging on to this
person for various reasons. It could be that you fear losing yet another person
in the constant cycle of loss and despair that is circling you like a vulture
awaiting death. Or perhaps the friendship you have fostered with this person is
something beautiful and real and you would like to keep that alive. Yet, how do
you keep a friendship alive when you know you are meant to be running away?
Eventually the dull aching and constant fear takes its toll.
You’ll find yourself waking up one morning with an idea firmly entrenched in
your mind: the resolution to be apart. With strong conviction you slowly begin
to distance yourself. You don’t leave room for doubt and just keep at it until
it becomes almost mechanical. You believe that what you are doing will actually
make things better… until it makes things worse.
Distancing yourself from someone who but a few hours ago
meant a great deal to you is both the dumbest and hardest thing to do. Worse is
when you find that they don’t mind that you are closing yourself off to them. It
hurts more when you are suddenly faced with the realisation that your presence
in their life had a far less impact on them than theirs did on yours. You are
left wondering if the entire friendship was a façade, a figment of the
imagination. Did you dream it all up? Was it even real?
It is around this point that you decide to stop caring. I say
“decide” because coming to a decision and actually implementing it is two
completely different concepts. Deciding to stop caring about a person is as
easy as removing a methi achaar stain from your favourite blouse- it is next to
impossible. Every day brings with it further realisation as to how little you
mean to that person and yet, you find that you begin to care more and more. Your
resolve weakens… Apparently trying to be apart is a lot harder than you had
initially anticipated.
“Strive not to make your presence noticed, but your absence
felt”. When you eventually realise that neither your presence nor absence means
much to another person you would rather continue soldiering on through the growing
mountain of pain than face the fact that you are as unimportant as a pesky fly
to another.
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