Disjointed Musings

I've come to realise that much of our time upon this earth is spent in search of something beyond ourselves. Something “celestial” perhaps, a power beyond ourselves that can bring meaning and understanding to the dark recesses of our minds that seem infested by many strange and terrible thoughts.

We believe that we can find this through the discovery of that strange, unattainable idea of love. Finding someone with whom we can spend our lives with has become as important as breathing to many people. We become so obsessed with the search for our supposed other half that we forget who we are and what we are capable of. We forget to live and more importantly, we forget that who we are defines us as opposed to who we are with. What we make of ourselves, what we hope to achieve, the company we keep and the goals we aspire to achieve are far more important than finding someone to live your life with.

Of course I don’t presume to say that we don’t need someone ever. Eventually we will seek out someone with whom to share the agony and ecstasy with, but when has finding that person trumped all other happenings in our lives? Indian culture places great emphasis on finding ones soul mate. Coming from a large family comprising of 4 sisters and 3 brothers, I am acutely aware of the fear that resides within my mother every time she looks at my elder sister who is still unmarried. My sister is not blind to the scrutiny of not only my mother but many of the other elders of our family, and as a result feels pressured to be married and settle down. As a result vast amounts of her time are spent brooding and lapsing into states of depression. Forgetting to live her life and follow her childhood dreams, she is obsessed with her outward appearance and attracting a suitable mate with whom to create budding offspring.

Looking at this brief summary of the last five years of her life I am forced to evaluate my own life and the choices I have made. It is clear that although I understand the importance of being your own person, I am also consumed with the belief that I must spend copious amounts of time finding a partner. This indoctrination of sorts is instilled in all young Indian females. How many hours of conversation with various friends and acquaintances has come back to the topic of marriage and the fulfillment of the gaping hole we perceive to be the absence of our better half? Without a doubt, these conversations and ideas lead one to feeling more emotionally labile than ever before. We so easily forget to count our blessings based simply on the fact that we are “lacking” in the love department.

This said I fear that I will still put my studies and hopes of being a humanitarian aside all in search of finding the illusive "he who shall complete me". Or worse, I will find myself constantly licking my wounds in the darkness of my room from love spurned. This continuous search leads only to feeling rejected, hurt, dejected, unloved, disappointed and worst of all, only serves to lower your self-esteem.

It is easy to be told that love will arrive like a breath of fresh air when we least expect it. It is much harder believing that when we live in a community that places undue pressure upon us to be married from the moment we can comprehend the world around us.

Another morbid day seems to be my weather forecast and along with it comes dark and terrible musings. Perhaps tomorrow will be a better day.