Speaking and Thinking

Speaking without thinking and thinking without speaking are two major problems recently surfaced in my life. It took me a while to realise exactly why I always find myself in complex and painful situations. The answer has been staring at me all along.

Being impulsive and acting of my own accord, particularly in the spur of the moment, has always been one of my quirks. I always valued this quality until I realised just how damaging it can be. Being notorious for leaping before looking has made me realise that I can easily get knocked by a bus. There are always consequences for our actions.

Though sometimes decisions made in a single moment can be amazing, most of the important decisions require that we think, deliberate and weigh all the options before simply acting out. Although many people make thinking appear a chore, it is fundamental. Being impulsive can only get you into trouble. Speaking what is on your mind without a thought for the consequences can result in not only hurting others but yourself as well. You could unintentionally scare a person off with your intensity of emotions, or with your hurtful words. All this can result in loss on your part, something very hard to get over.

Thinking without speaking can simply be interpreted as a problem in communication. The inability to articulate ones feelings especially in complex situations can result in more problems. I've realised, through various conversations with friends, that pride is a major contributing factor toward our inability to talk about what is on our minds. We are so caught up in our own emotions and so afraid to simply admit that we are wrong, that we will hold all our feelings in instead of sharing them. So we think and think and think some more until we eventually explode and blow something small out of proportion. And so begins the vicious cycle of pain and despair.

Another reason for all this thinking without speaking is that we simply are afraid. We have built up walls and defenses and sharing the thoughts that are breeding like vivacious rabbits in our minds becomes cumbersome. It is easier to just safeguard oneself from pain by simply not sharing the emotions. This, of course, only causes more problems as the person from whom you are withholding said thoughts may be so unsure of their position with you, that they simply walk away.

All these ideas and nuances that make us who we are, are manageable in moderation. The moment we overextend ourselves and let these habits become part of our normal functioning, we just become the cause of our own destruction.

Fear of Falling

By far one of the scariest things one is forced to face is the possibility that they are falling for the least likely person at the most unexpected moment in their life. They say it comes when you don’t look. How accurate this statement is, is questionable. However, on a perfectly normal day, you suddenly find yourself tripping and you don’t know how it all began.

Life is funny in that way. As I have discovered, planning your life is by far the worst move possible. When everything falls apart and you decide to just give up hope and simply be content with your lot, life throws you a curveball. Out of the bellowing smoke of your past thrown up in ashes, emerges the most unlikely character in what will later turn out to be a series of fortunate (you hope) events. Lemony Snicket won’t know what hit him when next you publish a rendition of your life from the moment your “Count Olaf” made an appearance.

It is scary though. Having lived your life on what can only be described as one bad relationship after another, you can’t help but shudder at the thought of trying again. No matter how tempting the offer, evaluating things from a distance and remaining slightly aloof with your emotions seems the logical move. This logic however, is far from infallible. It works well if the person, who has waltzed into your life like a breath of fresh air, is not really up to scratch. Logic falls apart the moment the person surprises you by raising your already high bar even higher. Being short, this has got to mean something as I can no longer reach the bar.

What makes it even worse is the uncertainty. Not knowing if it is safe to fall so ardently for a person you seem to barely know but who barely leaves you breathing. Forced to check yourself, you tend to get a sort of grip on your emotions. Like a mantra you constantly recite to yourself “we are just friends, I will not fall… we are just friends, I will not fall….” And you wait. You wait for a signal, an indication that you are not alone in your emotions- that this person is slowly falling too. No point falling if there is no one to catch you.

When the signal isn’t forthcoming fear clutches you at the throat. What if this person is waiting for your signal? What is they feel nothing at all? What if you are just being taken for a ride? Another notch in his belt? A pastime? The list of fears and uncertainties is endless. Worse, there is no way of knowing if your fears are fact or fiction. Well, I guess you could simply ask (communication is key) but if the other person is just as emotionally damaged asking may only make them flee.

So what now? Where do you go from here? I guess living with the fear is part of the journey. Eventually you will want someone and perhaps this person may be the one. You will never know unless you simply embrace the fears and try. And if all fails, well you are already quite damaged so I doubt another dent on your helm is going to make much difference.

Running

Responsibility is a bitch. A crude and rather vulgar way of explaining the connotations the word “responsibility”  has taken in my life but it is also very apt. So quite simply I've opted for the easy way out… I’m running away from them.

While idling away in childhood we find ourselves waiting for the moment we would grow up, throw on the big girl shoes and head out into the world. We relished the moment we would attain freedom and break the bonds of the parent nest as we spread our wings and take off into the dark unknown. Little did we know the reality was far from pretty.

The moment I had the opportunity to leave this little town I grasped it with both hands and refused to let it go. These moments come once in a lifetime and had I chosen to deliberate any longer I would never have left home. Freed from what I then perceived to be an imprisonment of the free spirit within me, I rushed out all wide eyed and red cheeked.

In the beginning everything seems wonderful. Exhilarated and filled with awe, I tackled every responsibility with the idea that I was finally growing up and free. I remember feeling like I had something to prove to the world and so I made sure I did everything expected of me and did so with a smile. I never really despised any of it as it was all part of the “experience” and I would never accept defeat.

Over the years (2 years, 5 months and 11 days to be exact) I realised just how silly I was growing up. Why did I ever want to grow up? Exactly what did I base my expectations of growing up on? American teen movies? Watching my older siblings come and go as they pleased? Novels? The internet? Whatever it was, I wish I was never deluded by it. I know for a fact that those before me, and definitely those after, will find themselves falling into the exact same trap and will hasten the process of growing up simply to explore the land beyond.

When eventually I found my life falling apart, I realised just how much I loathed growing up and taking on responsibility. Simple matters like having to cook one’s own meal, doing the washing, managing a household… it all just became too much. Many a night I’d find myself just sitting out on the balcony wondering where did it all go? I’m only 20 and yet I feel as though I missed the train to Neverland and am forever doomed to live my life in the land of the old and growing-old.

I miss having someone look after me and instead find myself looking after myself and others. I am convinced that I am not doing the best job and soon I will be sprouting the grey hairs of stress and will find my fingers disfigured from arthritis and my back bent. Time and responsibility have left me feeling old.

The moment I was told I could return to this quaint little town called home, I ran. No questions asked, no moaning and complaining. I packed my bag, put on my running shoes and made my escape as quickly as possible. Being home, it feels as though a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I am free to just do nothing. Naturally, my complicated female mind kicks in and I find myself missing the craziness that dominated the first half of this year. However, I know that the moment I re-shoulder the responsibility I will instantly miss home.

So instead I will delight in the sheer boredom and monotony of home and pray that when I return to the life I anticipated my entire childhood, I can do so with a little life and perhaps somehow I will find the passion that I once felt when first I entered this new chapter of my life.

Uncertainty

“Once bitten twice as shy” this saying rings so true in the back of one’s mind when faced with a new conundrum which could possibly have severely devastating effects on your already fragile mental state. Fear, uncertainty, it all clouds your judgement until you can barely see through the thick smoke of your life thrown up in flames.

That is IF you allow your life to go down that road. Uncertainty is normal to an extent, especially if you have been through recent pain or trauma. The body’s natural compensatory mechanism will involve:

1.       An elevated heart rate

2.       Rapid breathing

3.       Dry mouth

4.       Constricted pupils and

5.       The feeling of ever looming disaster in the pit of the abdomen

Sympathetic discharge aside, uncertainty about the direction you are going in can eat you up from the inside out. Fear is a living, palpable emotion bred purely on uncertainty. It gnaws at your innards and leaves much to be desired. When fear goes unchecked we let it fuel our ideas and decisions. The end result you may ask? Disaster, obviously!

So I guess it would be simpler not to find yourself in a situation which would encourage the development of such emotions. However, that is impossible. Eventually we have to open ourselves up to the idea of letting other people in. We need to move on from the past and embrace a future of apparent happiness and so we are forced to deal with these emotions at some point.

Somehow it seems easier to put the emotions at the back of your mind. Choosing to ignore socially acceptable labels and understandings of relationships, it is easier to just say ‘it is what it is’ and forget the fact that you could end up falling real hard and possibly flat on your face.

It is scary when you sit back and realise that the possibility that you could fall for someone is real and tangible. I guess what scares you more is the past and the scars that you have accumulated up until that point. Sometimes, you come across a person who makes all the scars worth it. You realise that it was worth the wait and the pain. The reality though is that most times you are so unsure of the end result that you would rather back off than add on to the scar tissue slowly replacing your internal organs. Uncertainty kicks in and you realise that if you back off you could be giving up on something worthwhile and lasting. Finding oneself in a limbo of sorts seems about right: in between friendship and labels and too afraid to put in the required effort to choose one or the other.

Life seems a lot easier when you just remain in limbo, an indeterminate state. That way, should things go south you won’t exactly be heartbroken as you would have sort of expected such an outcome. Should you however allow yourself to feel something beyond the confines of the limbo; well… you will just end up with a truck full of uncertainty and fear and no idea how to deal with it.

Though it does help to know you aren't alone in your fears. That way at least you can rest assured that should things go whichever way; the other person would likely understand how it came to pass. It would really suck if the other person didn't follow the same direction you did though.  It would help if your emotions were in sync but life seldom works that way.

So simply hold on to the hope that you can unravel the conundrum dancing mesmerizingly before your eyes and not let the uncertainty set fire to the life you have painstakingly put back together.

Memories

Memories are moments caught in time, a frozen frame of a time coloured with the tones of emotion felt within that experience. It is part of the wheel of flashbacks that we play through our minds in moments of nostalgia as they remain untouched by the moments proceeding their occurrence.

When one sits down and looks back upon these memories, it is hard not to let elements of the present mar the moment. Love lost makes all the memories of the once-loved appear darkened by the storm of emotions we feel. We forget the “frame”, the moment of happiness caught in an eternity of sadness. We end up consumed with an anger at how easily we were deceived into the idea of happiness and find ourselves spiraling in a sea of despair. 

Not all memories induce the same effect. Some memories induce nostalgia in such a pure form that one cannot help but wish with all their might that they may return to that moment. This is a sadness of another kind. It does not ruin the memory for eternity but rather enhances the pure joy captured in that moment to such an extent that one cannot simply think of the memory without overflowing with the sad realisation that one can never recapture that happiness. Everything seems to pale in comparison.

And then there are the newer fresher memories. Those that we are actively creating and living within. They have not experienced the overpowering shadow of sadness nor have they been touched by the darkness of grief. We find that we are finally in a state of peace, even though it may be short lived. Bearing this in mind we actively seek out the creation of more memories to fill the loneliness brought on by separation. In this moment we forget how easily memories can be tainted. We forget that should life choose to deal you yet another bad hand you will find yourself with yet another heap of once pleasant memories now turned sour.

Yet we never once consider this simply because in the moment, happiness is so contagious and so overwhelming that sadness seems so far away. We cannot comprehend how we ever felt sad to begin with and we run off the high created by that happiness.

We create and shelve thousands of memories and pile them among the even larger collection of dreams. Till a day comes when we see the overlapping of the memories and dreams and we finally realise that those particular memories will never know the stench of disregard and pain. We have found a lasting memory.

Graceless Hearts

 Perfectly balanced on the tips of her toes, a ballerina represents all things beautiful and graceful. Every step, every artful arc created by her body is an epitome of grace. Years of practice and decades of experience create the perfect flowing form.

This ease of grace so easily seen by many an ignorant bystander far from reflects the person that resides within. Grace and poise are expected of a woman. She must exhibit these qualities on a daily basis irrespective of the wars and struggles being fought within her aching soul. For it is simple: love, hope, expectations and life in general bring nothing more than pain, despair, disappointment and heart ache.

These conflicts mar the soul, the person in their entirety. Eventually maintaining the socially expected standard of grace becomes hard to achieve. Yet it is required. This persona we project is the only constant within a world falling apart. Pretending we are okay becomes a must. We focus our energy and emotion into appearing normal and well, while inside the cardiac muscle that makes up our heart slowly begins to atrophy.

Inside words such as ‘grace’, ‘normal’ and ‘happy’ don’t exist. Your heart betrays the façade you have put up. It destroys all you are trying to build up. It knows not the concept of grace and beauty but turns into an ugly and decaying beast that will stop at nothing short of tearing you apart. The harder you try to keep your issues inside, to hide your dark and terrible thoughts from the rest of the world, the more likely you are to strengthen the beast that is your heart.

It feeds off the negativity building up inside of you. It eats away at everything you are trying to build up. Every attempt to become stronger, harder and to just simply find a way to move on is ruined by the graceless heart residing innocently within your thoracic cavity. Without a second thought it foils all attempts to make the façade a reality. It is a spiteful being that represents everyone and everything that put you in this situation.

Eventually the only option left is to carve out the mutated heart and opt for a heart transplant. There is no way of overcoming the monster once it has built its strength up on your many failures. It is easier and simpler to cut your losses and find something else to replace the heart that has done nothing more than cause you pain.

Plans

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We associate the word with such pleasant connotations and look forward to planning ahead, creating a future and all other happy and wonderful things. Little do we realise that we are but a faint shimmer in the vast mirage that is life. How insignificant we truly are and above all how fickle are our plans.

I can no longer say ‘plans’ without a terrible loathing creeping in to my voice.  Vast amounts of time and energy have been invested in coming up with various plans and ideas and an even greater amount has gone in to dealing with the repercussions and disappointments constantly associated with the failure of each plan to be correctly executed or achieved. It is quite obvious that I am either not a very good planner or we are not meant to spend an infinite amount of time planning.

Being the ever so realistic person that I am I have chosen the latter option. Why do we plan? We want to feel as though we have some sense of control in our lives. We’d rather believe that we are in control of our destiny instead of accepting the fact that we are hurtling around the sun at about 100 000 km/h with no idea when we might collide with some asteroid. So we plan… we decide when we will wake up the next morning, we decide what career path we will follow, who we will marry, when we will get married,  how many kids we will have, where we will live and so on and so forth. The list is endless.

What saddens me most is how easily all these plans can fall apart. In one swift motion life comes swooping in through your doorway and you find that everything you have planned has suddenly fallen to pieces and you are left with nothing. With everything you ever envisioned for your future blown out the window you are suddenly left with no idea where to go. You are left meandering through the meadow and well… simply put… you have no future.

Or so you think. That is the thing with the future, we can never determine how it will pan out no matter how much we plan and prepare for it. It will always elude us and remain unattainable. Regardless of the fruitless hours spent planning for your future you will always find yourself at some point with your plans dashed to the ground and a terrible sense of disappointment.

The answer is simple. Don’t plan. Why not just accept that life has some plan for you and irrespective of what you want it will only give you your due share. If you can accept that fact you no longer feel the need to plan every big and supposedly important moment in your life. After all it is the unplanned and spontaneous moments in our lives that leave us with the best memories.

Planning for every eventuality will see you miss the chance to find yourself lying on the grass on a glorious day and just being content. If you had to think back on all your best memories you would realise that most of them occurred through some random twist of fate. Forgetting your keys on a seemingly random day could result in a whole new experience, a whole new lease on life. Had you planned each detail you would have found yourself missing out on one of the best experiences of your life.

Life is fleeting and time waits for no man but at the same time, if we spend our entire lives planning when exactly are we living?