Fear of Falling

By far one of the scariest things one is forced to face is the possibility that they are falling for the least likely person at the most unexpected moment in their life. They say it comes when you don’t look. How accurate this statement is, is questionable. However, on a perfectly normal day, you suddenly find yourself tripping and you don’t know how it all began.

Life is funny in that way. As I have discovered, planning your life is by far the worst move possible. When everything falls apart and you decide to just give up hope and simply be content with your lot, life throws you a curveball. Out of the bellowing smoke of your past thrown up in ashes, emerges the most unlikely character in what will later turn out to be a series of fortunate (you hope) events. Lemony Snicket won’t know what hit him when next you publish a rendition of your life from the moment your “Count Olaf” made an appearance.

It is scary though. Having lived your life on what can only be described as one bad relationship after another, you can’t help but shudder at the thought of trying again. No matter how tempting the offer, evaluating things from a distance and remaining slightly aloof with your emotions seems the logical move. This logic however, is far from infallible. It works well if the person, who has waltzed into your life like a breath of fresh air, is not really up to scratch. Logic falls apart the moment the person surprises you by raising your already high bar even higher. Being short, this has got to mean something as I can no longer reach the bar.

What makes it even worse is the uncertainty. Not knowing if it is safe to fall so ardently for a person you seem to barely know but who barely leaves you breathing. Forced to check yourself, you tend to get a sort of grip on your emotions. Like a mantra you constantly recite to yourself “we are just friends, I will not fall… we are just friends, I will not fall….” And you wait. You wait for a signal, an indication that you are not alone in your emotions- that this person is slowly falling too. No point falling if there is no one to catch you.

When the signal isn’t forthcoming fear clutches you at the throat. What if this person is waiting for your signal? What is they feel nothing at all? What if you are just being taken for a ride? Another notch in his belt? A pastime? The list of fears and uncertainties is endless. Worse, there is no way of knowing if your fears are fact or fiction. Well, I guess you could simply ask (communication is key) but if the other person is just as emotionally damaged asking may only make them flee.

So what now? Where do you go from here? I guess living with the fear is part of the journey. Eventually you will want someone and perhaps this person may be the one. You will never know unless you simply embrace the fears and try. And if all fails, well you are already quite damaged so I doubt another dent on your helm is going to make much difference.