Tuesday 16 July 2013

The Beast

Today was a sad day.

As I delved into the darkness and insecurities that dwelled inside of me, I realised that the beast inside was far more fearsome than any beast or monster I may face with out.

Equipped with sword or firearm, I could overcome anything placed in my path with ease. However, it is without weapons that I must face this beast.

It feeds off my insecurities, which brings me to another point – why am I insecure? Why should I fear that which I do not know or feel threatened by those who have become but matters of the past? What I don't know scares me far more than anything I do. What makes it worse is the fear that much will come to pass but will remain hidden from view. When it does rear its ugly head, as it eventually will, the insecurities harboured deep within will come rushing out to feed the beast already growing stronger.

In order to be prepared for this eventuality, I need to understand the beast, to study its strengths and weaknesses and understand how I can overcome it should the need arise. This beast however has eluded my scrutiny, burrowing into the darkest recesses of my soul till all that I can feel of its presence is the sonorous boom of its heartbeat echoing within. I shudder as I realise how strong its heart is.

It has grown since last I fought it, tooth and nail. I thought I had destroyed it in my younger days. Foolhardy and arrogant I decided to face down the demon with all the strength of ignorance. Back then, it took the form of death and heartbreak and though the battle was long and bloody, I came out victorious. The victory was barely one to boast about for I spent far too long licking the wounds to enjoy the bounties.

Years later, I now sit with a similar problem but am far wiser.  I know not to attack the beast without a strategy and the best strategy is to cut off its supplies. To weaken the creature would mean to weaken its defences making it far easier to deal a deadly strike. In order to accomplish this I must overcome my insecurities, but how can I do that so easily? When everything in my life is so uncertain and hangs on a thread which can only hold out for 5 more months, how do I quell the fear?

I don't know how to deal with the fear without a move from the other side. My insecurities are fuelled by the uncertainties of others. Should one person chose to step up, stake a claim and remove my fears, the beast would be so weakened that it would be inhumane to kill it.

So I must wait. I must hang precariously above the maw of the ravenous beast as I lay my fate in the hands of one who is so uncertain that I might end up devoured.

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