What am I doing with myself? I find that I ask myself that
question at least three times a day. Yet, I am unable to answer this question.
I find that there are times where I don't even recognise the
person I have become. I guess growing up requires that we change and in many
ways I have changed for the better but there are still these moments when I look
at myself with disappointment, loathing the things I do and I just can't seem
to do anything about it.
Sometimes I wonder if I made different decisions, chose to
do things differently, perhaps I wouldn't be in this situation. There was a
time not so long ago where I was content with things as they were and never
questioned my actions. With the upheaval of that person, I just feel lost and
unsure. I find myself second guessing everything I do.
Randomly I find myself going off on a tangent, questioning
my very existence to no avail. I am still doing the things I do and I am still
finding myself sitting down and hating these very same decisions. I was a very
different person and would never have made these sorts of decisions once upon a
time. Time and circumstances saw me become someone different and though I complain
of disliking this person, I can't seem to be able to overcome the static
friction required for me to change.
I keep telling myself I am better, I deserve better and I should
actively seek betterment. I live with the thoughts that I deserve someone who
will help me fulfil this realisation yet I'm sitting in a stagnant pool of
water with no idea how to swim. The ideal is good, but the ability to reach it
is severely lacking.
Being content with my lot is really hard. There are many
things I am grateful for and would never trade but there are also things I wish I could get rid of. Sometimes I wish I was born in a different era – but now I digress. The issue is of the 21st century no matter how much I wish I was born in the medieval era, my problems will still be the same.
I can't help but wonder if the people I have chosen to surround
myself with are a good choice. Some are, without a doubt. These people play an
active role in making me a better person through inconspicuous nudges in the
right direction. There are however, the one or two unclassified individuals. Why
are they in my life? Am I holding out for them? Is there any possibility of a
future? Or are they simply just adding to the increasing amount of self-loathing?
Sometimes I wish I could just wake up with all the answers
or even better, realise that the life I am currently living is but a dream. I do
strongly believe that this life is inconsequential in the greater scheme of
things but sadly, right now this life is all I've got and I have to find a way
of making it bearable.
My dreams are far more fascinating than my reality and so I find
myself sleeping a lot in hopes of an escape. My conundrum isn't a problem of
loss of direction. I know what I want from my future and am actively pursuing
it. The problem is one of the here and now. How do I shape my adolescence to
ensure that my future is fruitful? I’d rather deal with these issues now in
order to have a semblance of stability in the future.
Despite being able to air these issues I find that I still
have no clarity on how I am to overcome the constant questioning… What am I doing
with myself? Honestly and truly, I have no answer.
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