Vicious Destruction

It is but a simple matter of deciding to call it quits and attempt to move on to something bigger and better. We delude ourselves into believing in the simplicity of it all. It is easy, time will heal all and eventually everything will be back to how it was meant to be.

Sounds simple doesn’t it? Delusions are easy to come by. They are built up on the idea of hope and result in the creation of an unattainable mirage of sorts- an image hovering over the horizon promising to still the dehydration threatening your demise.  The idea that you have moved on is akin to a confabulation.  Fabricated memories become the order of the day as you fill the gaps of your life with ideas and beliefs of happiness and grandeur.

The truth is you are but merely at the starting point of what can only be described as a vicious cycle of despair and destruction. You allow yourself to fall prey to the vulture hovering over your slowly decomposing corpse. You believe your heart is dead of emotion and this same dead heart is now ripe for devouring by the vulture of dark thoughts and fearsome panther of pain within you.

And so the cycle begins. You let the idea that these emotions don’t exist within you govern your interactions with every person you meet. You treat them as merely another mechanism by which to prove to both yourself and the rest of the world that you have moved on. Anything is better than accepting the fact that you have a long road of pain ahead. So rather pretend everything is okay, let the world see you happy, seek a sense of acceptance and hope it lasts.

However, acceptance can only take you so far. Eventually you find yourself reeling from the sudden stabbing pain within your chest and you find yourself within the darkness of your room lying in the foetal position and hoping the tons of analgesics you have just ingested will still the pain. When it has subsided to a mere dull ache at the back of your mind you are forced to take stock of all you have done and you find that you have achieved nothing in your pointless meanderings. This menagerie of people you have let enter and leave your life in an attempt to seem stable and whole has only served to further tear you apart and take a full 360 back to the start.

As you lie in this position, overcome by the dark emotions overflowing within you like a fountain of blood cascading from a severed carotid artery, you realise the unutterable truth. You have a heart, a heart aching for love, for completeness, for some sense of reason to keep going. In that epiphany of sorts, a profound life changing moment emerges. Realisation that you still feel and still yearn for something beyond just a pretentious show put on for the world, results in opening one's inner eye to a world of possibility.

You are not alone, there are others out there who feel or believe they no longer feel. It is a simple matter of finding some such person with whom to put together all that seems wrong. It is merely a matter of breaking out of the constant cycle of debilitating pain you have allowed to cripple you for so long.

“Merely” …. If only it were that simple.