Intricacies of the "Complicated" Female

Females are terribly complicated individuals. We were placed upon this earth to let free our limited supply of eggs in order to raise more females and further complicate the lives of men.

I do not make excuses for our ability to confuse the lesser species that is males so ardently. It is not something that we deliberately set out to do. It is simply our DNA. Our genetic make-up is such that it enables us to speak in riddles and metaphors so easily. Sadly, the male genome was not made to complement our obviously superior intellect and so men have narrowed us down to one simple word “complicated”.

In the spirit of peace and harmony, as is the way of the hippie, I have gladly accepted this compliment handed down with reverence from one generation of males to the next. It is quite simple- when one does not understand something, it is easier to make it seem as though it is a problem with no solution than to simply accept that you are not smart enough to fathom the intricacies that make it up. So instead of telling a man that he is mentally impaired in the department of unravelling the intricate network of neurons that make up the female mind, I will accept that I am “complicated”.

Keeping with this spirit I will also gladly assist in helping the directionless male in gaining a basic understanding of some of the weapons that we as women use.

Sarcasm: this is by far one of the greatest gifts bestowed unto women. We have gladly taught a few males the concept of sarcasm but no man could ever do justice to it as we do.  Why do women engage in sarcastic comments in such an offhand way on a daily basis? I guess it differs from situation to situation. Social norms of being a lady require that one does not make a debacle of oneself by engaging in verbal abuse. Bearing this is mind, we employ sarcasm. Saying something nice yet so obviously untrue is far more scathing than saying it upfront and above all, it is very ladylike. Another possible reason as to the use of sarcasm is simply that she is afraid of being honest. Rather say it in a nonchalant way than be true to herself and open up a whole new can of worms. It is far easier to have someone believe what you say isn’t true than have them realise the true depth behind it.

Riddles: a very fun way of expressing one’s desires. Where is the fun in saying something directly after all? Watching the far less intellectual try and make heads and tails of what you are saying brings a world of delight. I believe this skill was perfected way before WW1 when women were not allowed to go out and work. Stuck at home and most definitely bored with their daily routines of cleaning, gossiping, eating and making love; they decided to find a new titillating way to pass their day: speaking in riddles and watching the mounting look of fear contort the faces of their spouses as they tried to get it right, fearful of incurring the wrath of their wives. Do you now see the appeal in speaking riddles? Unfortunately, men are not adequately evolved to employ this strategy and apparently, to understand it either.

Blame: because our minds are very preoccupied. We hate accepting responsibility in minor issues. This is not hypocritical as we would gladly accept a mistake on a more colossal scale, but for the little nitty-gritty issues it is easier to have a scapegoat. If you burn your tongue consuming hot tea, blame the guy for not telling you it was hot. How are you expected to know everything? As women, we have a mountain of things to remember and do. Even in today’s day and age, women are still expected to look after the home, have a job and a social life while raising kids and caring for a husband. If you look at it from this perspective, it isn’t much to ask a guy to be considerate and tell you that there is an accident on your usual route home and traffic is backed up. It is obvious you had no time to listen to the road report. Or even to remind you to wear a jacket because you are in such a flurry you are bound to forget. Simple things are all we ask of you. They are expected and failure of execution results in blame being placed upon your shoulders so best get with the program.

There is much and more I could explore but being a woman myself I have many complicated chores which are bound to engage my time. So while this guide of sorts is far from extensive one can only hope it will help some poor, unsuspecting male from cowering in fear of the scathing sarcasm that is the female wont.