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I have been grappling with pain I just can’t seem to escape. As the year comes to a close I find myself still drowning in the tears that first made me start this blog. Time moves on, yes that is true, but somehow I can not seem to move on with it.

That is what happens when you find yourself with all this free time and no way with which to occupy it. The campus year is over, stress has disappeared, friends and loved ones are off on their own missions and everyone just seems so happy. Yet here I sit, unable to sleep, tearful, in pain and I just cannot seem to find a way out of it and worse I have no one to share it with.

I have always been the kind of person who dared not share her issues with those around her. Appearing strong and together has always been my greatest confidence booster but now, all I crave is a shoulder to cry on, someone to hear my woes, comfort me and reassure me that this pain will abate and that they will be there always.

From the moment my cousin left this world and I spent my week of mourning crying myself into dehydration, I chose to bury the pain and grief in a corner of my mind. I filed it away and said I would never go there again and like that I found myself able to move on. I accepted that he had to go and all the other things that come with acceptance but I just could not come to terms with the fact that I would never get to see him again or even say good bye. So I guess forgetting my pain seemed the best plan at the time.

Studying and friends kept me busy and I had no time to dwell on the pain which was fine by me. Truth be told I really believed I had my shit together and that I would be fine. It is funny how one small moment can trigger a cascade of emotion just as a single laceration in the skin can open oneself up to a multitude of bacteria. It was something so small – a friend singing a song as he walked me home “shawty like a melody in my head…” and suddenly I was transported back into the past to a time where things were much different. I remembered the countless hours we spent listening to that song until we were so sick of the words that we could not hear that song without throwing up a little in our mouths.

Just like that I found myself growing restless every night, unable to sleep or eat properly and forcing smiles while secretly I was dying inside. Slowly the darkness crept back in. The box was overturned and the flood gates opened. I found myself falling apart and here I am… unable to breathe from the sheer force of the pain that is radiating through my chest. I cannot for a second understand how I made it through since April. How could I have possibly put these feelings off for so long? The loss I had to bear was so colossal, so unbearable that I cannot even comprehend how I am even able to type out these feelings. I guess when you have no one to talk to this is all you have.

I hate the pity I see in peoples’ eyes when I share this with them. I hate people feeling sorry for me and feeling bad for me. I miss the people who instead of offering up pointless “I'm sorry’s” would just talk shit with me for hours or tell me all the bad things in their life so I would not feel so bad about my own. Those people don’t exist in my life anymore so instead I have to air out my feelings to a virtual audience and just hope I can gain some solace from it.

I feel myself dying a little each day that I am forced to stave off these emotions. All I seek is the comfort of the closed box in the forgotten corner of my mind and even that eludes me. Would someone please roll me a joint so I may smoke away my pain? Because I am fresh out of ideas and I am dying inside, I am losing myself.

No, this is not a cry for help.

This is me just crying myself to sleep one day at a time.