Embers

How does one preparing for the glaring inferno of emotions that once burned at 323 degrees Celsius to suddenly die? No indication, no gentle decline in the heat, no glowing embers at the end… just a sudden death? You are unprepared- one moment it is there, and then it isn't.

You are left wondering if it was really there all that time or if you were just putting on a front, forcing yourself to feel and believe the impossible. It is as obvious as the fact that the heart is just a pump that the feelings weren't real yet we let ourselves feel for so long. Why? Obviously we don’t have entire control over who we like (not love) but we do have control over how far things get and how much of ourselves we put into it.

Being a person with the terrible flaw of falling too easily too fast, I can’t help but blame myself for the holes I burrow into the earth. I am left with nothing but my bare hands to work my way out: torn flesh, broken nails and bloody fingers being the end result of the climb. Sadly, Miley Cyrus did not get it right when she said “it’s all about the climb”.

Firstly, there is absolutely no view, unless you find prehistoric bones, fossilised trees, creepy worms and decaying flesh pleasant.  Secondly, there are no pit stops on the way up- when your arms are weak from lifting your most likely overweight body, you fall and you fall hard. My advice is simple; build lots of upper body strength. Pole dancing is recommended as it is stimulating in more than one way (if you know what I mean).  Thirdly, there is no food so be prepared to go full fear factor mode- earthworms and beetles to go. Remember, you need to conserve fluid, so try not to vomit as you ingest them. Lastly, if you are afraid of the dark this probably isn't the smartest situation to find yourself in so my advice would be don’t fall for anyone, EVER, or you will have to overcome your fear sooner than you think.

In order not to appear extremely cynical I’d like to point out that this method of falling in like (not love) is actually quite good if you want to lose weight. No chocolate, ice cream and cookie dough once it fails. Hard labour and insects are all you are left with and there is no way you won’t lose weight.

But I digress. The matter at hand is why we let things go so far. Why do we allow ourselves to be deluded by our supposed emotions for so long? One does not simply wake up one morning feeling dead inside without there being some warning signs. American chick flicks will have you believe that the moment you no longer close your eyes when he kisses you means it is all over. In this regard I disagree. What if you just want to catch a sneak peek at his kissing face or even worse what if you are afraid of the dark? Closing your eyes in that instance would be catastrophic! On a more serious note, I guess wanting to knock his teeth out every time he opened his mouth to say something is a good warning sign to go by. I mean sure, his voice was quite sexy and did get me going (in more than one way) but the obviously terrible grammar as well as the general lack of anything intellectual to say did have something to do with the violent day dreaming I used to occupy myself with every time he spoke. I don’t see why a person should continue adding to their carbon emissions by speaking pointlessly. Rather remain silent and help save the earth in the process. That way I could have viewed you as a form of humanitarian, remained content in my emotions and remained slightly overweight instead of losing all that weight in the post break up climbing.

I could easily continue on this rather therapeutic tirade of abuse but I must calm down and stop boring the innocent users of the internet. On that note I leave you with this: always be wary of the warning signs. If he kisses you without brushing his teeth, bores you with his drivel, doesn't shave his armpits and worse of all- doesn't lift you off your feet or have you closing your eyes every time he kisses you, dump his ass.