Self-Pity

Self-pity gnaws at my consciousness. I cannot think nor can I comprehend how or what or why I am sitting in this empty room filled with fear, questioning everything and everyone.

My dilapidated life tends to appear whole and well to the odd passer-by. Little do they know of the emotions that constantly assail my waking hours. They know nothing of the struggles, the constant roller coaster of pain and exhilaration that has been these last 8 months. They see the smile and the cheerfulness, rarely do they see a glimmer of pain but this is easily brushed off with a simple “I'm just tired”. They don't question beyond and that is fine by me. My pain has always been my own.

I can't help but run through the usual process of self-pity. The usual questions of ‘why me?’ and ‘won't things ever get better?’ seem quite redundant when you've been repeating them for so long. They lose their meaning and their intent. Or perhaps it is just that I have been feeling sorry for myself for so long that it has become a norm.

That aside, what gets me the most is when I finally think I've got it all figured out. I mean really, you would think after the year I've had I would finally have some sort of luck. I thought so too. I assumed everything was finally falling into place in the most unlikely way. The least expected occurrence comes along and suddenly I feel like I've got everything figured out. Well that’s what you think…. What you know though is a totally different thing.

It does come as quite a shock when you realise that everything isn’t really smooth sailing as you initially perceived it to be. Just like Guillain-Barre Syndrome, the onset is insidious. You wake up one morning expecting everything to run as it always has only to realise that you have ascending paraesthesia and no way to do anything about it.

It comes as a huge shock followed by such overwhelming self-pity that you can no longer function. You want to cry, scream and yell. Sleeping seems the only escape from this sudden hell-hole that you have found yourself in and food well…. It no longer appeals to you. What is the most shocking thing of all is that all of this has occurred in just under 18 hours. Shocking right? To be so affected by one small change in events is nothing short of sinister on life’s behalf.

The worse thing is that you can't do much about it. You just have to leave it in the hands of destiny and hope against hope (something I'm not fond of) that things will work out in your favour. However, in order for that to happen you have to wait. Patience has never been my strong point and it is only exacerbated by the onslaught of terrible thoughts and emotions that seem to take over everything I do.

So while I wait for what I hope will be the answer to all my sorrows I have decided to sleep away the pain. At least in my drug-induced coma I don't have to deal with the heartache, anger and pain. Everything just sort of slips away and I am at peace.