Lessons

I don't think it takes much to realise that you are falling down the rabbit hole yet again. Just when you thought you escaped the darkness and seemingly never-ending fall into a world you would rather not discover, you find yourself there again.

The worst part is that you keep telling yourself “never again” and “I have learnt from my mistakes” and yet there you go and make them again. Someone once told me that till you truly learn your lesson life will keep teaching it to you again and again. Boy was that person right.

Clearly I did not learn the most important lesson of all “love is a dangerous game”. With 30 Seconds to Mars blasting in my ears I hear yet another statement that fits in rather perfectly “hearts were made for breaking and for pain”. I guess I should have learnt that the last time I ended up with a broken heart.

Yet it is so easy to fall into the same trap again. To let yourself fall so easily for someone who projects the exact person you would have always wanted is the easy part. It is when you realise just how easily they can break your heart that the real lesson of life races toward you like a heart in atrial fibrillation – rapid and irregular.

It takes a single moment in time to totally and irrevocably give yourself over to a person and it is when this moment is over and you are laid bare that you realise just how much you are falling. It is in this moment, or the aftermath of it, that life will send you the inescapable curveball. Some statement said without much thought, or some realisation will hit and you will be left with the realisation that the two of you may not be in the same place. It could be that the emotions are reciprocated by the other but at the same time it could also be that they are hiding far more from you than you initially anticipated.

What then? The wounds carefully sutured need just a slight tug to reopen and leave you bleeding out. It might be easier to just let the blood gush out than rush and seek medical attention. Sometimes the end is better than starting all over again… sometimes there is no second, third or fourth chance at love.

Like I said… falling is the easy part, it is everything that comes with it that leaves you with a serious case of insomnia and no possible solution. Eating your way through slabs of chocolates and tubs of ice cream will only serve to make you fat not chance upon an epiphany.

I guess when you go places you never have before, you expect a lot more… you hope for a lot more than is actually there. You feel stupid and want to sever your femoral artery when you realise just how easily you let yourself be drawn in by a person who could disappear in a second, or worse – use you as a means of dealing with their own pain.

So here I am, learning my lesson again and again ….

Life, I think I've learnt my lesson now; can we please stop picking on me yet?