This life that you chose to lead started off easy at first. Everything
seemed to fall into place with ease and life was simple and pleasant. When it seemed
like hardship was on the horizon you found yourself tackling it head on and
working your way out of it as easily as inserting an IV line in your residency.
This was all before you decided to grow up. The day you
decided to wear your big girl pants and open yourself up to more than your
usual mundane activities was the day you began to put stress upon the
metaphorical thread that governed your being. Opening yourself up to other
people, allowing someone to enter the cavernous halls of your inner sanctum, is
a moment of maturity, or rather a step toward maturity.
The moment you overcome the fear of cootees and embrace the
idea of a relationship that transcends the boundaries of friendship can only be
viewed as an awakening of deep set emotions that should be left to hibernate
for eternity. This realisation of the existence of sexual urges and arousal
only leads to pain, heart break and also moments of ecstasy, elation and
happiness.
Eventually, you reach a point where you find yourself drawn
to a singular fish in the vast ocean that is human kind. You are drawn to his charismatic
nature, his ease of grace and the enigma that defines him. You find yourself
laughing at his jokes, smiling for no apparent reason and suddenly the world
seems right.
However, all good things must come to an end whether we
would like it or not. A rude awakening of sorts will emerge from the darkness
that was once kept at bay by his presence. This opening of one’s inner eye,
this sudden understanding that people aren't always what they seem and that the
figurative heart that beats with emotion can actually break, occurs so suddenly
it can only be akin to the electric shock administered to a dead beat heart –
the shock is life changing.
You find that the weight of emotions that have suddenly
overcome you, like a wave of morning sickness, is too much to bear. The thread
that is holding you together is under tremendous stress. Slowly, almost
unnoticed, the thread begins to unravel and little by little you begin to fall
apart. While the bulk of your essence remains attached, fragments of who you
are come loose and with nothing to hold them to the greater picture that is
you, they fall to the ground and become lost in the jungle of time below.
That is the problem with building a large portion of your life around a person, when they change (which they will eventually do) you are left with
this gaping hole and no way of filling it. This sudden loss of substance causes
the unravelling of the seams that hold you together to become to noticeable
that you can no longer ignore the truth – you are hurting, you are dying an emotional
death.
And so you hold on with dear life to the thread supporting
you. As much as you may be dying inside your will to cling on to life is a desperation
that cannot be explained. Holding on with all you have is the only answer, the
only way to move forward and rebuild your life. And so you do just that…
tighten your grip on your life’s thread and at the same time you begin to let go
of the dead weight. The anger, pain, tears, hurt and everything else that is
weighing you down and fraying your life line – you toss it over. Rather let the
seams unravel and lose what is unnecessary than to continue to harbour emotions
that will only serve to snap the thread.
Letting go is when you know you have made a move toward maturity and happiness. It is the needle that helps one to sew back their lives, suture the wounds, dress the burns and accept that although people will hurt you and tear your world apart, there are others out there that will be kind enough to inject the anaesthetic as you sew yourself back together.
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