Self-destruct Mode: Activated

Set to self-destruct… Time to detonate: t-minus 120 seconds

So here we are… You have finally plucked up the courage, cut your losses and allowed yourself to let go of the pain that was tearing you asunder. It was about time after all. If you had hung in any longer, you would have eventually lost all of who you are, given up everything and turned into a meek little field mouse always running scared from the hawk.

Now that you are an empty vessel devoid of emotion (considering you chose this way of dealing with the pain) what do you do with yourself? We all want to feel again and be happy and as previously mentioned, we all need someone to apply the healing balm to the burns and wounds sustained along the way. So I guess this is the most logical move, which is quite ironic as most of what I say defies logic.

In your current state of emotionlessness, you would have found that to a certain degree you have built a tower around yourself: a simple two storey structure with a balcony to enjoy the view but a tower nonetheless. Fear of being hurt is always rife despite one’s claim to being dead of emotion. It is this single emotion that fuels your determination to employ guards, invest in WMD’s and anything else to protect the fragile centre of emotion located in the brain.

This simple act of building a fortress as you go out and plan to “move on” is a terrible move to make. Building castles that no one can enter but you defies common sense and yet in the moment of post-pain it seems like the smartest and most brilliant idea under the sun. Perhaps, all the exposure to the sun has resulted in heat stroke and you commit this act in a state of delirium and dehydration. It seems the only plausible excuse for such blatant idiocy.

So you step out into the big bad world and find yourself mingling, interacting and slowly edging closer to hitting the self-destruct button. In your bid to deem yourself as sane and to proclaim that you are over the past, you set your eyes on the first person with an adequately low self-esteem and lure them into your cave. And so the cycle begins. Every time the victim seems to want to get attached, out comes a nuclear weapon and out runs a potential future. Fear stays your hand but it is also fear which makes you pull out the weapon in the first place. No one has the guts to call your bluff and as a result you continue with the tirade.

Sadly, it isn’t only you that ends up damaged but rather you find yourself with an entire entourage of suitors cowering in fear of the AK47 assault rifle slung over your left shoulder. The tower which seemed so strong, slowly will find itself crumbling as the pain you felt was under control begins to find its way out with each jolt of fear that runs down your spine every time you feel you are getting too close to someone.

It doesn’t seem like it is going to end- this constant fear within. Eventually it reaches a peak and you find yourself in the midst of a nuke about to implode. You have no control, you built your walls too high and there is no one there to help you get out… you attempt to run but all the anger, pain and anguish you tried to ignore comes rushing back until there is only 10 seconds left on the clock and you accept defeat.

5… 4… 3…. 2… 1… Time is up. This message will now self-destruct.