Change

Change is scary. If anything, it puts you 5, maybe 6, feet back instead of having you move forward. The scariest thing about change is when it appears out of the blue with no forewarning.

If someone had asked me two months ago where I expected to be in 2014 it would have been vastly different from the reality I find myself in. I never thought this year would start in much the same way that the previous year did – broken-hearted and lost. The proverbial Dear John letter was something I never foresaw in my future so one can only imagine the shock I found myself in when I received the “we should just be friends. It’s not you, it’s me” talk. This definitely did not bode well for the rest of the year.

So teary eyed, confused and scared I did the only logical thing I could think of. I shut myself off from emotions, from feeling anything. It worked well in the beginning but given the depth of emotion I put into this one singular person it is no shock I found myself slowly going insane. I admit, I tried really hard to hate him, at least that way I could find a way to move on, but the reality was and still is that love cannot be marred by hate. As clichéd as this may sound, the proof is in the pudding. I cannot hate him.

Anger became my best friend. Oh the thoughts that swirled through my mind for days on end served as my only solitude. I was baffled as to how all this came about. When I look back I realised just how much I held back, how afraid I was. I was so unsure as to what I was doing that the first time around I found myself stammering through the Dear John speech. Yet, he stuck by me through it all and when he deemed it fit he planted that sinful kiss upon my lips beneath the star strewn sky and sealed our fate. If that is not enough to confuse a person, his profession of love to me was the signature at the end of the contract. For long I knew exactly how I felt about him but fear and trepidation held me back and yet there he was, casually expressing his feelings to me. Little did I know that later his feelings would fade into the background as they have done in previous relationships, whereas I would find it impossible to forget how I felt. What served to perplex me further was his constant optimism. While I was comfortable living with the idea that this encounter would come to naught, he constantly questioned my reasoning insisting that there was a future. After all I possessed “all the qualities he was looking for in a wife”.

It is no surprise that when he confessed to being unsure whether I was the one or what he wanted in his future I was terribly taken aback. Having given in to him completely and shedding all my trepidation it shocked me to hear him say “sometimes love isn’t enough”. It was clear as day that he never loved me at all. He confused whatever lust and enjoyment he gained from my presence as love and in so doing pushed me down the rabbit hole.

I loathe change for it has achieved nothing short of unhinging me and turning my world upside down. I have found myself friends with the only person I ever loved and as much as it tears me apart I am so afraid of losing that constant in my life that here I am trying my hardest to separate love from friendship.

While change is meant to push you forward and open you up to new experiences this change is the most daunting I have ever had to face. The heart wants what the heart wants but life has other ideas. There is nothing else to do but soldier on and pray that this time change will work in my favour.

Questions of the broken soul

Most everyday I find myself wondering why I put myself through the same routines over and over again. Why do I set myself up to be hurt? Why am I constantly attracted to those who are not on the same page as me, who do not want the same as me, who second guess everything while I simply know?

He asked me, "Mimz, how do you know if someone is the one?" I had no answer to this question because from the moment he stole my heart I never once questioned whether he was the one or not. I just knew it. It is not something you have to think about or wonder about. It is something you feel in your bones. It is this age old understanding that is built into your genome. The moment you love honestly and truly, that is the moment you know and you never for a second doubt it. You can only imagine how hurt I was when he asked me that. Knowing that he questioned my position as the one when I never doubted him for a second spoke volumes for itself.

Saying you love someone is easy. However, building yourself up and finding yourself in another person before proclaiming love is completely different. You give in to that person in a whole new way and that is when you know you could never survive a day without them. Yet now that I know that he does not see me as the one, I am unable to process my next step. How am I to continue on with a person who does not see me as that? How can he be the one for me? The feeling is suppose to be reciprocated, right? Is he not suppose to see me in the same light?

We all have fears. Some of us are afraid of dogs and others of commitment but does that fear not fade away when you find love? Or am I simply living in a fool's paradise? Believing that everything fixes itself when you find true love does actually sound very far-fetched. I held on to that childish notion for a long time and he, he proved me wrong in a second. When you lose the innocence of childhood what are you left with but the darkness of reality? You are left with despair and hopelessness and all that wonder and naivety disappears because of one individual.

When you believe someone to be the one you hold on with a desperate hope and that only means that every doubt they share with you tears into your marrow. It destroys you from the inside. I guess I never thought that the one person I would love so truly would also be the one who would break me beyond repair. I do not see myself recovering from this blow. I just see myself fighting for his love day in and day out only for him to hurt me every time he says he is not sure about me.

When will he be sure? Will I ever be the one? Or will he continue leading me down the garden path never giving me a chance to move on when he strikes the inevitable blow?

I wish I had the answers...

You Just Don't!

You just do not get it do you? This world, all its colours and beauty, everything is for you. Every moment is meant to be shared with you. Every molecule of air carries the scent of you. Every light is dim in comparison and every shadow dissipates in your presence.

You just do not get it. You encompass all that is true and meaningful in my mind. You encroach upon every thought until all I can think about is you. There is nothing more important or more real in this endless array of dismay than you. You are and always will be the answer.

Yet you still do not get it. You are my confidant. You are akin to the lock box in the darkest most unlikely of places. You hold within you all my secrets, all my intimate thoughts, hopes and dreams. Every going on, no matter how mundane is known by you. There is not a moment in my meagre existence that I would not want to share with you.

You are my best friend but still you do not get it. I trust you to a fault. I would follow you to the ends of the earth and still trust that you would bring me home safely. I have given over to you completely, entrusted everything of me with you. I trust that you would never break my heart or tear my world apart because my world is you.

How can you not get it? It is everything and it is nothing. It is the fact that if you would agree I would introduce you to my family without a second thought. It is the reality that I could never be your friend alone. It is the knowledge that this will never be a meaningful, serious relationship to you. It is the fact that you will read this and not think it is about you because the truth is the idea of being in a relationship with me scares you. You would rather toy with my emotions all the while keeping me at arms-length should you feel I’m not good enough for you. It is summed up in the understanding that you want everything that comes with a relationship but the relationship itself because I am not even worth that much to you.

And yet you still do not get it. It amazes me. You are everything to me and you just don’t get it. Or is it that you choose not to? There really is no knowing for sure.

You just do not get it.

Weakness

Weakness... One loaded word that is easily loathed. Showing weakness of any form is easily despised by the strong or by those aspiring to be so. Yet behind closed doors...

I have always believed that showing weakness in front of others was a terrible move to make. In order to be respected, loved and understood one had to always put on a brave face and breaking down, shying away from the facade in any way, would only result in others looking down upon me. So naturally I mastered the poker face and never let it be known that I was afraid, hurting, sad or any other emotion associated with "weakness".

As previously mentioned though, behind closed doors it was a different story. Being very emotional and easily affected by others I would find myself a ball of depression and devastation. The walls so easily fell away and I would be as vulnerable as a new born baby.  Helpless and afraid I grew to despise even those moments of weakness. I hated showing any shred of emotion that left me so bereft.

However, I started realising that the people I cared for or who cared for me became increasingly worried by my lack of emotion. My ability to hide all forms of pain and anguish scared them more than me bawling my eyes out - something I couldn't understand. I thought seeing me together and well would ease their worries but they yearned to see me vulnerable. They wanted to know I was human, I felt. Not that they thought I was an alien or anything! They just didn't understand me.

I believe, based on experience, that when you allow yourself to be vulnerable people easily take advantage of you. You are easily manipulated and used when you are unable to think beyond the emotions clouding your judgement. Having been in that situation time and time again I knew it had to stop, I had to stop letting people see me as such. The problem is in order to be such you have to shut people out. The fortress can't let anyone in. 

It works well till someone comes along with the sledgehammer and won't take no for an answer.

It is scary ... Letting someone see you at your weakest and all that is going through your mind is how will they use your present state to their betterment. What is even more scary is when all they want is to just be there for you... No ulterior motives. I have no idea how to handle the idea of someone just wanting to help me through the tough times. It makes me want to close up even more, hide away within myself. The fact that someone cares that much about me seems unreal and opening up, as hard as it is, and as perverted as it sounds, is rather difficult.

Trusting a person not to hurt you is incredibly hard but when you do, when you decide enough is enough and let yourself be vulnerable in front of someone, it is more significant than any declaration of love. It is an irrevocable moment, there is no turning back... You've given in...

Untitled

I have been grappling with pain I just can’t seem to escape. As the year comes to a close I find myself still drowning in the tears that first made me start this blog. Time moves on, yes that is true, but somehow I can not seem to move on with it.

That is what happens when you find yourself with all this free time and no way with which to occupy it. The campus year is over, stress has disappeared, friends and loved ones are off on their own missions and everyone just seems so happy. Yet here I sit, unable to sleep, tearful, in pain and I just cannot seem to find a way out of it and worse I have no one to share it with.

I have always been the kind of person who dared not share her issues with those around her. Appearing strong and together has always been my greatest confidence booster but now, all I crave is a shoulder to cry on, someone to hear my woes, comfort me and reassure me that this pain will abate and that they will be there always.

From the moment my cousin left this world and I spent my week of mourning crying myself into dehydration, I chose to bury the pain and grief in a corner of my mind. I filed it away and said I would never go there again and like that I found myself able to move on. I accepted that he had to go and all the other things that come with acceptance but I just could not come to terms with the fact that I would never get to see him again or even say good bye. So I guess forgetting my pain seemed the best plan at the time.

Studying and friends kept me busy and I had no time to dwell on the pain which was fine by me. Truth be told I really believed I had my shit together and that I would be fine. It is funny how one small moment can trigger a cascade of emotion just as a single laceration in the skin can open oneself up to a multitude of bacteria. It was something so small – a friend singing a song as he walked me home “shawty like a melody in my head…” and suddenly I was transported back into the past to a time where things were much different. I remembered the countless hours we spent listening to that song until we were so sick of the words that we could not hear that song without throwing up a little in our mouths.

Just like that I found myself growing restless every night, unable to sleep or eat properly and forcing smiles while secretly I was dying inside. Slowly the darkness crept back in. The box was overturned and the flood gates opened. I found myself falling apart and here I am… unable to breathe from the sheer force of the pain that is radiating through my chest. I cannot for a second understand how I made it through since April. How could I have possibly put these feelings off for so long? The loss I had to bear was so colossal, so unbearable that I cannot even comprehend how I am even able to type out these feelings. I guess when you have no one to talk to this is all you have.

I hate the pity I see in peoples’ eyes when I share this with them. I hate people feeling sorry for me and feeling bad for me. I miss the people who instead of offering up pointless “I'm sorry’s” would just talk shit with me for hours or tell me all the bad things in their life so I would not feel so bad about my own. Those people don’t exist in my life anymore so instead I have to air out my feelings to a virtual audience and just hope I can gain some solace from it.

I feel myself dying a little each day that I am forced to stave off these emotions. All I seek is the comfort of the closed box in the forgotten corner of my mind and even that eludes me. Would someone please roll me a joint so I may smoke away my pain? Because I am fresh out of ideas and I am dying inside, I am losing myself.

No, this is not a cry for help.

This is me just crying myself to sleep one day at a time.

'Regrets Collect Like Old Friends'

Regrets collect like stars on a clear night. They are bright and visible to the eye but disappear when another brilliant light decides to come in to view. Yet no matter how often we forget their existence, they still come out to frolic in the darkness of the night.  

Regrets are born out of our actions. We approach situations incorrectly or don’t approach them at all and when things go south we blame ourselves and are doomed to forever live with the consequences of our choices or failure to make a choice.

Doing or saying nothing is by far the biggest regret we tend to find ourselves reliving 10 years down the line. We find ourselves in situations which warrant action to turn the tide in our favour but fear acting upon our desires. As a result things don’t work out in our favour and we find ourselves sitting in the dark wondering just how stupid and pig headed we were. Had we just opened our mouths and said the words we feared to utter out loud, we may be in a vastly different situation than the one we find ourselves in.

This brings me to the main point of my ramblings. Why do we keep things in? Why don’t we articulate the thoughts we keep to ourselves? We can’t expect people to read our minds and if we want things to turn out differently we will have to say what bothers us. Yet we are only human and live in constant fear of the repercussions of our words. We fear what will happen should we say what we feel and it mostly comes down to fearing the unknown. What happens once those words have been spoken is unclear and so we think of every possible outcome and our fear grows.

What we fail to see is that most times the other person is waiting to hear what you have to say. They want you to tell them not to go, or not to do what they were planning. They need to hear you say those words so that they can do the right thing by you. We are so caught up in fear of rejection that we forget the other person has fears too and all they may need, and you come to think of it, is just to hear you speak the words to put their fears to rest.

However, in my current dilemma, as much as I want to say what is on my mind I fear by doing so I am being incredibly selfish. To ask him not to leave, to ask him to stay by my side, serves only me. I can’t impose my desires upon another who wants something else. I am not the object of his desire nor am I what he wants so why do I feel like I should be telling him about the going-ons of my complicated mind? It won’t change much and it will most likely just cause tension but keeping all these thoughts inside scares me. My greatest fear is that when he leaves I will find myself submerged in regret for not speaking my heart’s desire. I can’t help but hope that if I was just as important and above all, if he desired the same as me, he would say it. However, hope is for the foolish and since nothing has been said the answer is as clear as daylight.

Sometimes we need to speak our minds, despite the fear that accompanies the action. If we don’t we will find ourselves living with the regrets and ‘what ifs’ for the rest of our days. We have to face our demons and if we get rejected at least we won’t have to deal with remorse. As for me, well I have never been very good at following my own advice and in 10 years, when grappling with the regret of not having spoken my mind, perhaps I will look back at this moment… or maybe not.

The Moment

I have this nagging feeling at the back of my mind that I can’t seem to shake off. It sauntered into my mind, with all the arrogance the word suggests, in the dead of the night and then proceeded to make itself at home despite my protestations.

Following its entrance it went on to plant many a doubt in the garden of its lovely home in my amygdala leading to all sorts of associated emotions. I am now spiralling down a dark tunnel of fear I would much rather avoid. The main reason being that avoidance of the issue makes it a nonentity thus I can continue as normal.  The moment I begin to think of the consequences and repercussions I can no longer just enjoy myself and live for the moment. Sure the happiness I feel right now is fleeting, but why mar these few moments that I do have with thoughts that will serve only to depress me?

Living for the moment has its benefits and as such also has its downfalls. While it is all fun and games in the moment when the time has passed you find yourself in the middle of an earthquake and the aftermath is not so pretty. You tend to avoid dealing with your emotions and many things tend to be left unspoken, which is okay if you don’t want to talk about it, but at some point all the things we choose not to say may be the single most important thing in turning the tide in our favour. It is however a really nice way to forget all your worries and just have unadulterated fun.

It works, for a limited time. Eventually you start wanting more, or rather without realising it, it comes to mean more. You start a flame, which turns into a roaring inferno that you are unable to put out. You find yourself overcome by emotions and you lose yourself not only to the moment, but to the hope that the moment will never end. You start thinking about the future and forget that this is merely a fleeting moment of happiness.

This is about the point that the nagging feeling walked in and nag it did. It posed all sorts of questions to me that I realised I had no answer to. Sure I am dealing with these fiery emotions but are they truly and honestly reciprocated or am I just being deluded into believing they are? Am I just another number, another name on a list? Oh and the worst one: am I the only one thinking beyond the moment? Any thoughts after 2am are BAD!! Just don’t go there. That is a time for sleep or alcohol not unanswerable questions which causes one to delve in to a sea of misery and despair.

This feeling won’t leave me. It has set up a home and constantly bombards me with more and more questions that serve only to cause me more grief and fear. I am afraid. For the first time in ages I am overcome with such fear that it strangles the air out of my chest and leaves me in such a panic I can’t think or sleep. I am powerless and worse, despite my constant probing I have found nothing to alleviate my suffering. If anything I have only worsened them with the realisation that I am in far too deep and it looks like I am alone in this. It is clear that of the two I am the only one incapable of living in the moment.

All I have learnt from this simple exercise is never to think after 11pm unless it is education related, don’t go for all “the moment” bullshit unless you are male and if you are female don’t buy in to his crappy ideas because you are programmed to want more as much as you tell yourself otherwise. Best stick to what you know best.