The Moment

I have this nagging feeling at the back of my mind that I can’t seem to shake off. It sauntered into my mind, with all the arrogance the word suggests, in the dead of the night and then proceeded to make itself at home despite my protestations.

Following its entrance it went on to plant many a doubt in the garden of its lovely home in my amygdala leading to all sorts of associated emotions. I am now spiralling down a dark tunnel of fear I would much rather avoid. The main reason being that avoidance of the issue makes it a nonentity thus I can continue as normal.  The moment I begin to think of the consequences and repercussions I can no longer just enjoy myself and live for the moment. Sure the happiness I feel right now is fleeting, but why mar these few moments that I do have with thoughts that will serve only to depress me?

Living for the moment has its benefits and as such also has its downfalls. While it is all fun and games in the moment when the time has passed you find yourself in the middle of an earthquake and the aftermath is not so pretty. You tend to avoid dealing with your emotions and many things tend to be left unspoken, which is okay if you don’t want to talk about it, but at some point all the things we choose not to say may be the single most important thing in turning the tide in our favour. It is however a really nice way to forget all your worries and just have unadulterated fun.

It works, for a limited time. Eventually you start wanting more, or rather without realising it, it comes to mean more. You start a flame, which turns into a roaring inferno that you are unable to put out. You find yourself overcome by emotions and you lose yourself not only to the moment, but to the hope that the moment will never end. You start thinking about the future and forget that this is merely a fleeting moment of happiness.

This is about the point that the nagging feeling walked in and nag it did. It posed all sorts of questions to me that I realised I had no answer to. Sure I am dealing with these fiery emotions but are they truly and honestly reciprocated or am I just being deluded into believing they are? Am I just another number, another name on a list? Oh and the worst one: am I the only one thinking beyond the moment? Any thoughts after 2am are BAD!! Just don’t go there. That is a time for sleep or alcohol not unanswerable questions which causes one to delve in to a sea of misery and despair.

This feeling won’t leave me. It has set up a home and constantly bombards me with more and more questions that serve only to cause me more grief and fear. I am afraid. For the first time in ages I am overcome with such fear that it strangles the air out of my chest and leaves me in such a panic I can’t think or sleep. I am powerless and worse, despite my constant probing I have found nothing to alleviate my suffering. If anything I have only worsened them with the realisation that I am in far too deep and it looks like I am alone in this. It is clear that of the two I am the only one incapable of living in the moment.

All I have learnt from this simple exercise is never to think after 11pm unless it is education related, don’t go for all “the moment” bullshit unless you are male and if you are female don’t buy in to his crappy ideas because you are programmed to want more as much as you tell yourself otherwise. Best stick to what you know best.