Fear in Love

I once heard someone say that fear is the heart of love. At the time that I heard it I scoffed at the mere thought of it. How can you claim to love a person if you are living in fear was the fickle thought that crossed through my mind. Clearly I knew little and less about love at that point in my life.

Fear is an emotion that not only keeps us alive but also keeps us on our toes. It keeps us at our best behaviour and ensures that we stay in line at all times. It isn’t always the best way to live one’s life when viewed as a method of obedience. So how can such a negative and potentially harmful emotion come to be associated with an emotion such as love?

Well I guess the next logical step would be to define love. The mere thought of tackling such a colossal task sends ripples through my cerebrospinal fluid. Being an amateur, a mere poser of a writer, I could not even pretend to have the eloquence and vocabulary required to explain this one simple word. I can however draw from experience and say that love is not something rushed in to; it is something that grows and matures. I don't believe in the ideology of love at first sight. We may find attraction upon gazing at another but love is something deeper. It develops from a deeper understanding of another person that results in you understanding yourself better. It is beyond just an emotion and becomes an aspect of your life. It either builds you or breaks you and largely depends on the reciprocation of the emotion.

So where does fear fit in? For long I have been deluded by the idea of being in love. I have rushed in, declared undying love and the whole shebang. I never truly understood the concept of the emotion in itself. Yet when I allowed myself to understand the person and see the whole picture I found myself feeling emotions stronger than I was used to. For long I denied the idea that it could be love until I realised that it was not a ‘love’ I was used to. It was different, mature and real and this was when fear set in. It was in this moment that those words echoed through the ventricles of my brain and I realised I feared not only for myself but for everything that made me, me.

I fear not that I would lose the other but rather that I would be so consumed by my emotions that I would not be able to stop loving him should he fade back in to the shadows. I fear the uncertainty of love without claim and worse I feel the weight of an uncertain future so heavy upon my shoulders I fear I might break within. I fear, above all else, that he will spend all the love within me, that he will take everything that I have and leave me broken inside.

I don’t fear loving him for love isn’t something to be afraid of. I fear the consequences of the depth of my emotions. The fear is different. Instead of resulting in me stepping back, re-evaluating and adjusting my behaviour as a result of the fear, I find myself rushing in head long. I cannot for a second think of toeing the line or letting the fear consume me. The only thought that rushes through my mind is that this fear is born out of an emotion so different, so strong and so beautiful that despite it all I will be able to live with the fear. At the heart of this love is a fear almost as beautiful as the love itself. It is a fear of loving too much and too deeply but because the emotion I fear is so awe-inspiring, it is logical to assume that the fear is just as so.

The fear does not define the love but the love does define the fear. If you truly understand the emotion you do not find yourself fearing being alone or abandoned but rather you find your fear is something more real, more meaningful.

A singular quote from one of my favourite novels finds itself coming to mind as this random musing comes to a close.

“At first, when we truly love someone, our greatest fear is that the loved one will stop loving us. What we should fear and dread, of course, is that we won’t stop loving them, even after they're dead and gone. For I still love you with the whole of my heart. And sometimes, my friend, the love I have and can’t give to you, crushes the breath from my chest. Sometimes, even now, my heart is drowning in a sorrow that has no stars without you, and no laughter, and no sleep”. (Shantaram- Gregory David Roberts)

Outreach

I think  I have over stepped , reached too far and expected too much.  That's the problem  when  we step out of our comfort zones and try and reach for the stars so far away. 

Everybody deserves the best for them and this of course differs between person to person and on the situation.  There is rarely a time when two people will find themselves deserving of the same thing.  I don't say that some people deserve better than others, I'm simply stating that every person has a different standard and should reach out for it.

We set the bar for our expectations and hopes either too high or too low.  We usually opt for the latter when we are afraid that we might not get what we deserve and by doing such we are more likely to find something.  The problem with this type  of thinking however is that we vastly underestimate what we are worthy of and find ourselves constantly hurt by the choices we make.  We settle for far less than we should and that serves to achieve nothing.

In other situations we find ourselves setting the bar just way too high.  We want too much and have so many requirements and standards that finding a person or situation that meets all of them becomes impossible.  Instead we find ourselves constantly turning down  opportunity after opportunity simply because we believe that we are more deserving.  In the end we find ourselves realising that the list was far too unrealistic to start with.  If you are lucky the realisation comes early enough to make amends and search anew.  However for the vast majority of people out there, this only occurs when we have spent the vast majority of our lives and time searching for the fulfillment of our requirements.  By the time we realise we had expected too much we have neither the time nor the energy to go out and try again.

It is imperative to set a standard that is compatible with the person and situation you are in.  You can't go out expecting a diamond when you are still being refined.  Like minded people are automatically attracted to each other and you can't expect someone completely out of the box to step into your radar.  While this isn't impossible, it is a realistic way of approaching the situation.  Some may say the person is out of your league.  I beg to differ as no one person is better than another as the statement suggests. Instead, they are not compatible or they just don't match up with what you are deserving of.

Again, we all deserve what is best for us but to determine what the best is we have to understand who we are and what agrees and brings out the best in us. Because while the person may match you impeccably on paper, if they fail at making you better or bringing out the positivity in you, you are safer reaching out for the outlier who is so different from the general standard that he doesn't belong there at all.

Realising your worth, and realising what you are worthy of is an important stepping stone in building up our esteem. Many a time we underestimate our worth despite so many people seeing otherwise.  Sometimes the only way we can truly see it is by listening to how others see us and above all believing it to be true.

See your worth, set the standard and don't go out reaching for the fanciest star in the sky.  Those are the ones most likely to burn you.

The Cherry On Top

Have you ever experienced those days where the entire world comes crashing down around you and no matter how hard you try, your screams only seem to increase the gravitational pull? Well today was one such day.

I believed I would conquer the world as I rose from my bed and gazed upon the cloud covered sky.  As if that wasn't an omen enough I even sang a tune through my usual morning ritual.  Little did I know...

I guess my day could have been worse but coupled with the fact that I had to spend my religious festival away from those I loved just added to the shit storm that was clearly predicted by those morning rain clouds.  We all put off the inevitable especially when we have an inkling of what is to come. We look for every excuse to forget that things  are about to get really bad really fast and instead we choose to live behind a facade of smiles and formalities believing that such behaviour will prolong the eventuality.  The truth is, the longer we put it off the worse the situation becomes.

Dealing with disappointment when it happens would have probably seen to it that today wasn't as bad as it turned out.  Had I found a way to deal with the overpowering emotions I felt at being separated from my family yesterday, I probably would have found a way to let today turn out better than expected.  Instead I chose to forget the obvious pain I felt at having to spend such an auspicious and family orientated day beneath my blanket watching chick flicks and eating ice cream.  I made myself believe that it wasn't so bad and that I, a very family orientated person, was actually having a nice day to myself.  The truth was that it was just the crowning event to what had been a terrible start to a year.

Yes, my year did get a lot better and things really did look like they were turning around.  I met great people, forged new relationships and had finally managed to put all the pain and heart ache I had been experiencing behind me.  The bitch called life was far from satisfied with my happiness and the cherry on top was the worst examination of my career (currently)  coupled with no one to turn to when the culmination of all my woes came crashing down.

Shittiest day of the year? Why I think so.

Stargazers

You have lived your life beneath the stars waiting for the moment when you could meet a person to share the view with. Little did you realise that the cosmos would find themselves sitting beside you and not above you.

Corny I know but incredibly true. We all eventually end up meeting a person who becomes as important as the stars above us. They begin to fill a space in your life once left empty until before you realise it you have a shared future, or at least hope you do. You become addicted and cannot wait for your next hit.

When suddenly you are left to go cold turkey you find yourself suffering from such severe side effects from the withdrawal that you start questioning whether you can go on. You find yourself going through stages, each one worse than the one before, until eventually you realise that, to be colloquial, “you got it bad”.

Stage 1, Positivity: you are convinced that you can survive the withdrawal and come out stronger than when you started. You fill your mind with the idea that you were fine before so you will be fine after and that you do not need something to define you. At this point anyone who would meet you could hazard a guess that you are doing well and will clearly get by…

That is until Stage 2, Despair: you begin to realise that the positivity is all bullshit. There is no way to continue without that fix and you would willingly risk anything to get it, even do things you were previously against. Surviving seems impossible and trying to envision what your life was before seems close to impossible. All you can think of is your life with the addiction, everything before seems nothing more than a haze.

Stage 3, Aggression: despair ultimately culminates in anger. Your emotions know no other outlet and you find yourself lashing out at everyone and everything. You ignore people, pick fights, lose your temper, storm off and are just generally peeved. It seems the only logical way to cope with the ever growing frustration as a result of being apart and there is no way out.

Stage 4, Withdrawal: Eventually you become disgusted with your behaviour and ashamed of how you have treated those around you and so you withdraw into yourself. You lock yourself in your room and stare at the blank laptop screen fearing even surfing the internet as you might find some reminder there of the “good times”. So you choose to sleep, barely eat and just hope the time passes by. There really is no other way out of this.

Stage 5, Insomnia: eventually you find that you have slept so much that you cannot possibly sleep anymore. This time you fill your sleepless nights with all sorts of brain-wracking activities hoping to forget your pain, forget the gaping hole of darkness within your life that threatens to consume you. Keep busy, forget the pain, it may just eventually go away. The question you are left wondering is whether you do want it gone… insomnia leads to many and more questions that lead to the same answer: you would do anything for one more pull, one more sip, one more kiss….

What comes after stage 5 you may ask? I have no idea but in my sleeplessness I find myself gazing reverently at the stars hoping the cosmos above can give me the strength to overcome the loss of the star I found upon the Earth. Gazing at the stars above I cannot help but think how sad they look, they have lost all their lustre now that my gaze has fallen upon another far brighter star. 

Corny I know yet incredibly true...

Petri Dish of Uncertainties

I cannot contain these emotions that fester within the petri dish of my mind. The uncertainty coupled with the ever blossoming emotions leave me stunned. How do I decide what to do with myself? How do I overcome these fears?

It was all well and good when I lived with a simple, largely uncomplicated friendship. Sure we went through the motions of the usual opposite-gender based friendship: friends; are we more?; let’s try more; didn't work; back to friends. Usually going back to friendship is largely impossible but somehow that seemed to work for us. Just like an unwashed petri dish discovered penicillin, so too did our recombinant friendship result in so much more.

It is hard to give up on a friendship that is so simple. The ease by which we could communicate, the interest manifesting within our conversations and the aura of sorts that existed between our beings was hard to resist. Despite everything our kinship persisted.

Of course, the friendship alone wouldn't last too long. The feelings that had existed once would always find a way to creep back in but this time we were prepared. We were ready and the timing seemed appropriate. We flourished. We found strength in each other, found emotions hard to contain and now I find myself lost in this whirlpool of such strong emotion I fear I might drown.

I can't help but reiterate the simplicity. It is beyond comprehension. The way we flow and merge in everything we do is outstanding. Our thoughts and ideas, the way we understand the other just through a look or action, our love of the same things (each other included) and so much and more, just makes me fall more and more for him.

However, the uncertainty of what tomorrow (and in this case next year) shall bring looms over us like a blade of a guillotine. We have no way of knowing what will come to pass but we are aware of the options. In this 50/50 gamble we either make it or we don't. I fear that as my emotions continue to grow so too will I become more afraid of the inevitable.

I can't imagine him as anything other than a permanent fixture in my life. Should he leave I know I will be crushed. I will find a way to go on, we all do, but I don't want to reach that point. I don't want to imagine my life without him as he has come to mean so much to me in so short a time.

Sometimes you meet a person and in a short space of time you come to realise that you could spend your life with them. I could spend my life with you and never for a second grow tired of your incessant childishness and charm.

Yet my luck speaks for itself. Every person I find myself with finds themselves leaving for the City of Gold to live their dreams and while I will never hold him back, I can't help but pray he does not leave.

If he does it is clear as day to me – lesbianism is the only way to go.

The Queen and Her Castle

I am weak.

I am fragile.

I am everything I thought I would not be.

I always thought I was strong. Nothing and no one could touch me. The heart that had been the source of constant pain had, to my knowledge, been apoptosed.

After everything I lost and everything I endured I figured I would be safe if I built a castle around myself. Painstaking as it was, I laboured on till I had built up the defences to my exact specifications. Twenty metre high walls too smooth to find a foothold and topped with high voltage electric wiring. A moat eight metres wide fully equipped with alligators. On the offhand chance that someone made it passed this they would find themselves doused in boiling oil. With bowmen, spearmen, a cavalry and foot soldiers at my dispense I comfortably sat in my tower and built my strength.

Never again would I be caught unaware.

Never again would I hurt.

Never would I cry.

Or so I thought.

It takes one daring ranger, up for the challenge to find a way passed all your defences. It takes stealth and guts but he possessed them all. Disguised as one of my own he found his way into the castle and by winning the trust of those around him, he gained my notice. Summoning him into my presence is probably a moment I will always look back at with ambivalence.

He sauntered in upon his high horse, dashing and charming and won me over with his grace and wit. He became my trusted advisor, friend and somewhere along the way the lines were blurred and he became more than just that. He came to mean more to me than my vendetta for self-protection.

He filled my waking hours with his presence and filled my sleep with dreams filled with a myriad of colours where once there only stood darkness. I knew the risks, but I perceived my walls to be so strong that should things go south I would be fine.

All the pain that led me up to the moment he walked into my throne room seemed worth it. Had it not been for the pain I would never have met him, he would never have healed me and I would never have known happiness. Yet happiness is such a fickle emotion. It comes and goes as easily as a rain storm and leaves nothing but destruction and devastation in its path.

Despite knowing all of this, I rushed in. I gave too much too soon and found myself in love. Love and happiness cannot exist simultaneously for too long. Eventually one will leave and you will either find happiness alone or love with pain. I thought I could have the best of both worlds. I believed that falling in love with him was the best thing that could have ever happened to me and I let my defences down. Worst mistake ever! I let my army slack, did not push them as hard and when happiness left and the storm of destruction beat down upon us I was unprepared.   

I broke.

No, I shattered into a million pieces.

Every tear I swore I would never shed found itself cascading down my overflowing conjunctiva. My castle began to fall apart. My army scattered and my walls falling I turned to the one person I believed would shelter me from it all only to realise that he was the reason I was falling apart. The single most important person in my life, the sole person to hold both my love and my trust was the one waiting with the dagger to plunge in to my heart. Betrayed I fled.

I withdrew more and more into myself and here I lie.

Weak

Devoid of emotion

Hurt

Crying

And with no escape from the destruction I brought upon myself.

Trust no one for even when you think you are strong enough to find a way out if they break your heart, you will realise that you are weak and feeble and will destroy everything you worked so hard to build.

Self-Pity

Self-pity gnaws at my consciousness. I cannot think nor can I comprehend how or what or why I am sitting in this empty room filled with fear, questioning everything and everyone.

My dilapidated life tends to appear whole and well to the odd passer-by. Little do they know of the emotions that constantly assail my waking hours. They know nothing of the struggles, the constant roller coaster of pain and exhilaration that has been these last 8 months. They see the smile and the cheerfulness, rarely do they see a glimmer of pain but this is easily brushed off with a simple “I'm just tired”. They don't question beyond and that is fine by me. My pain has always been my own.

I can't help but run through the usual process of self-pity. The usual questions of ‘why me?’ and ‘won't things ever get better?’ seem quite redundant when you've been repeating them for so long. They lose their meaning and their intent. Or perhaps it is just that I have been feeling sorry for myself for so long that it has become a norm.

That aside, what gets me the most is when I finally think I've got it all figured out. I mean really, you would think after the year I've had I would finally have some sort of luck. I thought so too. I assumed everything was finally falling into place in the most unlikely way. The least expected occurrence comes along and suddenly I feel like I've got everything figured out. Well that’s what you think…. What you know though is a totally different thing.

It does come as quite a shock when you realise that everything isn’t really smooth sailing as you initially perceived it to be. Just like Guillain-Barre Syndrome, the onset is insidious. You wake up one morning expecting everything to run as it always has only to realise that you have ascending paraesthesia and no way to do anything about it.

It comes as a huge shock followed by such overwhelming self-pity that you can no longer function. You want to cry, scream and yell. Sleeping seems the only escape from this sudden hell-hole that you have found yourself in and food well…. It no longer appeals to you. What is the most shocking thing of all is that all of this has occurred in just under 18 hours. Shocking right? To be so affected by one small change in events is nothing short of sinister on life’s behalf.

The worse thing is that you can't do much about it. You just have to leave it in the hands of destiny and hope against hope (something I'm not fond of) that things will work out in your favour. However, in order for that to happen you have to wait. Patience has never been my strong point and it is only exacerbated by the onslaught of terrible thoughts and emotions that seem to take over everything I do.

So while I wait for what I hope will be the answer to all my sorrows I have decided to sleep away the pain. At least in my drug-induced coma I don't have to deal with the heartache, anger and pain. Everything just sort of slips away and I am at peace.