I hate myself
I never thought I would find myself in a
position where I would loathe the person I am externally. I have always prided
myself on the fact that no matter what, I always had the self-confidence to
override my lack of external attractiveness. Apparently not…
In the animal kingdom the females are
seldom beautiful. Their function is simple – to scorn male advances until a
suitable mate arises and impregnates the female to ensure the survival of her
species. However, in the world of humans it is not so simple. The coloured
feathers and slender limbs of the peacock fall to the role of the female. It
her prerogative to ensure that she is slim, sexy, and beautiful. If she lacks
in attractiveness she is sure to fall short in this world.
I guess I am the equivalent of the female
sparrow – brown and dour and altogether unattractive. That never really
bothered me before. Sure the odd time someone made a comment about the colour
of my skin or referred to me as the literal black sheep of the family it stung,
but I always managed to pick myself back up and move on.
Not so now. Now I hate the very skin I find
myself in and loathe myself further for the fact that I cannot just be happy
with whom I am. It burns into the soul when the people you love and trust with
every fibre of your being are the ones to turn around and tell you likewise.
You are fat, unattractive, your sister is so much prettier, what happened to
you… the list is endless and the scars it leaves never fades.
It is okay to be imperfect, I accepted that.
I was comfortable knowing that as long as I was perfect for the right person it
didn't matter. Yet, when that person can so easily point out that your sister
isn’t fat but always pick on you, lines become blurred. Suddenly you aren't really
perfect for that person but apparently your drop dead gorgeous older sister is.
You constantly fall short and forever find yourself at the back of the line…
the reject… doomed to remain imperfect till the end.
I hate myself.
I hate that I am imperfect.
I hate that I can never live up to societal
expectations of who I should be.
I despise the skin I am in.
I wish I was someone else… anything but who
I am right now….
I hate myself.
