Change is scary. If anything, it puts you 5, maybe 6,
feet back instead of having you move forward. The scariest thing about change is
when it appears out of the blue with no forewarning.
If someone had asked me two months ago where I expected to
be in 2014 it would have been vastly different from the reality I find myself
in. I never thought this year would start in much the same way that the
previous year did – broken-hearted and lost. The proverbial Dear John letter
was something I never foresaw in my future so one can only imagine the shock I
found myself in when I received the “we should just be friends. It’s not you,
it’s me” talk. This definitely did not bode well for the rest of the year.
So teary eyed, confused and scared I did the only logical
thing I could think of. I shut myself off from emotions, from feeling anything.
It worked well in the beginning but given the depth of emotion I put into this
one singular person it is no shock I found myself slowly going insane. I admit,
I tried really hard to hate him, at least that way I could find a way to move
on, but the reality was and still is that love cannot be marred by hate. As clichéd
as this may sound, the proof is in the pudding. I cannot hate him.
Anger became my best friend. Oh the thoughts that swirled
through my mind for days on end served as my only solitude. I was baffled as to
how all this came about. When I look back I realised just how much I held back,
how afraid I was. I was so unsure as to what I was doing that the first time
around I found myself stammering through the Dear John speech. Yet, he stuck by
me through it all and when he deemed it fit he planted that sinful kiss upon my
lips beneath the star strewn sky and sealed our fate. If that is not enough to
confuse a person, his profession of love to me was the signature at the end of
the contract. For long I knew exactly how I felt about him but fear and trepidation
held me back and yet there he was, casually expressing his feelings to me. Little
did I know that later his feelings would fade into the background as they have
done in previous relationships, whereas I would find it impossible to forget
how I felt. What served to perplex me further was his constant optimism. While I
was comfortable living with the idea that this encounter would come to naught,
he constantly questioned my reasoning insisting that there was a future. After all
I possessed “all the qualities he was looking for in a wife”.
It is no surprise that when he confessed to being unsure
whether I was the one or what he wanted in his future I was terribly taken
aback. Having given in to him completely and shedding all my trepidation it
shocked me to hear him say “sometimes love isn’t enough”. It was clear as day
that he never loved me at all. He confused whatever lust and enjoyment he
gained from my presence as love and in so doing pushed me down the rabbit hole.
I loathe change for it has achieved nothing short of
unhinging me and turning my world upside down. I have found myself friends with
the only person I ever loved and as much as it tears me apart I am so afraid of
losing that constant in my life that here I am trying my hardest to separate love
from friendship.
