Fear in Love

I once heard someone say that fear is the heart of love. At the time that I heard it I scoffed at the mere thought of it. How can you claim to love a person if you are living in fear was the fickle thought that crossed through my mind. Clearly I knew little and less about love at that point in my life.

Fear is an emotion that not only keeps us alive but also keeps us on our toes. It keeps us at our best behaviour and ensures that we stay in line at all times. It isn’t always the best way to live one’s life when viewed as a method of obedience. So how can such a negative and potentially harmful emotion come to be associated with an emotion such as love?

Well I guess the next logical step would be to define love. The mere thought of tackling such a colossal task sends ripples through my cerebrospinal fluid. Being an amateur, a mere poser of a writer, I could not even pretend to have the eloquence and vocabulary required to explain this one simple word. I can however draw from experience and say that love is not something rushed in to; it is something that grows and matures. I don't believe in the ideology of love at first sight. We may find attraction upon gazing at another but love is something deeper. It develops from a deeper understanding of another person that results in you understanding yourself better. It is beyond just an emotion and becomes an aspect of your life. It either builds you or breaks you and largely depends on the reciprocation of the emotion.

So where does fear fit in? For long I have been deluded by the idea of being in love. I have rushed in, declared undying love and the whole shebang. I never truly understood the concept of the emotion in itself. Yet when I allowed myself to understand the person and see the whole picture I found myself feeling emotions stronger than I was used to. For long I denied the idea that it could be love until I realised that it was not a ‘love’ I was used to. It was different, mature and real and this was when fear set in. It was in this moment that those words echoed through the ventricles of my brain and I realised I feared not only for myself but for everything that made me, me.

I fear not that I would lose the other but rather that I would be so consumed by my emotions that I would not be able to stop loving him should he fade back in to the shadows. I fear the uncertainty of love without claim and worse I feel the weight of an uncertain future so heavy upon my shoulders I fear I might break within. I fear, above all else, that he will spend all the love within me, that he will take everything that I have and leave me broken inside.

I don’t fear loving him for love isn’t something to be afraid of. I fear the consequences of the depth of my emotions. The fear is different. Instead of resulting in me stepping back, re-evaluating and adjusting my behaviour as a result of the fear, I find myself rushing in head long. I cannot for a second think of toeing the line or letting the fear consume me. The only thought that rushes through my mind is that this fear is born out of an emotion so different, so strong and so beautiful that despite it all I will be able to live with the fear. At the heart of this love is a fear almost as beautiful as the love itself. It is a fear of loving too much and too deeply but because the emotion I fear is so awe-inspiring, it is logical to assume that the fear is just as so.

The fear does not define the love but the love does define the fear. If you truly understand the emotion you do not find yourself fearing being alone or abandoned but rather you find your fear is something more real, more meaningful.

A singular quote from one of my favourite novels finds itself coming to mind as this random musing comes to a close.

“At first, when we truly love someone, our greatest fear is that the loved one will stop loving us. What we should fear and dread, of course, is that we won’t stop loving them, even after they're dead and gone. For I still love you with the whole of my heart. And sometimes, my friend, the love I have and can’t give to you, crushes the breath from my chest. Sometimes, even now, my heart is drowning in a sorrow that has no stars without you, and no laughter, and no sleep”. (Shantaram- Gregory David Roberts)

Outreach

I think  I have over stepped , reached too far and expected too much.  That's the problem  when  we step out of our comfort zones and try and reach for the stars so far away. 

Everybody deserves the best for them and this of course differs between person to person and on the situation.  There is rarely a time when two people will find themselves deserving of the same thing.  I don't say that some people deserve better than others, I'm simply stating that every person has a different standard and should reach out for it.

We set the bar for our expectations and hopes either too high or too low.  We usually opt for the latter when we are afraid that we might not get what we deserve and by doing such we are more likely to find something.  The problem with this type  of thinking however is that we vastly underestimate what we are worthy of and find ourselves constantly hurt by the choices we make.  We settle for far less than we should and that serves to achieve nothing.

In other situations we find ourselves setting the bar just way too high.  We want too much and have so many requirements and standards that finding a person or situation that meets all of them becomes impossible.  Instead we find ourselves constantly turning down  opportunity after opportunity simply because we believe that we are more deserving.  In the end we find ourselves realising that the list was far too unrealistic to start with.  If you are lucky the realisation comes early enough to make amends and search anew.  However for the vast majority of people out there, this only occurs when we have spent the vast majority of our lives and time searching for the fulfillment of our requirements.  By the time we realise we had expected too much we have neither the time nor the energy to go out and try again.

It is imperative to set a standard that is compatible with the person and situation you are in.  You can't go out expecting a diamond when you are still being refined.  Like minded people are automatically attracted to each other and you can't expect someone completely out of the box to step into your radar.  While this isn't impossible, it is a realistic way of approaching the situation.  Some may say the person is out of your league.  I beg to differ as no one person is better than another as the statement suggests. Instead, they are not compatible or they just don't match up with what you are deserving of.

Again, we all deserve what is best for us but to determine what the best is we have to understand who we are and what agrees and brings out the best in us. Because while the person may match you impeccably on paper, if they fail at making you better or bringing out the positivity in you, you are safer reaching out for the outlier who is so different from the general standard that he doesn't belong there at all.

Realising your worth, and realising what you are worthy of is an important stepping stone in building up our esteem. Many a time we underestimate our worth despite so many people seeing otherwise.  Sometimes the only way we can truly see it is by listening to how others see us and above all believing it to be true.

See your worth, set the standard and don't go out reaching for the fanciest star in the sky.  Those are the ones most likely to burn you.

The Cherry On Top

Have you ever experienced those days where the entire world comes crashing down around you and no matter how hard you try, your screams only seem to increase the gravitational pull? Well today was one such day.

I believed I would conquer the world as I rose from my bed and gazed upon the cloud covered sky.  As if that wasn't an omen enough I even sang a tune through my usual morning ritual.  Little did I know...

I guess my day could have been worse but coupled with the fact that I had to spend my religious festival away from those I loved just added to the shit storm that was clearly predicted by those morning rain clouds.  We all put off the inevitable especially when we have an inkling of what is to come. We look for every excuse to forget that things  are about to get really bad really fast and instead we choose to live behind a facade of smiles and formalities believing that such behaviour will prolong the eventuality.  The truth is, the longer we put it off the worse the situation becomes.

Dealing with disappointment when it happens would have probably seen to it that today wasn't as bad as it turned out.  Had I found a way to deal with the overpowering emotions I felt at being separated from my family yesterday, I probably would have found a way to let today turn out better than expected.  Instead I chose to forget the obvious pain I felt at having to spend such an auspicious and family orientated day beneath my blanket watching chick flicks and eating ice cream.  I made myself believe that it wasn't so bad and that I, a very family orientated person, was actually having a nice day to myself.  The truth was that it was just the crowning event to what had been a terrible start to a year.

Yes, my year did get a lot better and things really did look like they were turning around.  I met great people, forged new relationships and had finally managed to put all the pain and heart ache I had been experiencing behind me.  The bitch called life was far from satisfied with my happiness and the cherry on top was the worst examination of my career (currently)  coupled with no one to turn to when the culmination of all my woes came crashing down.

Shittiest day of the year? Why I think so.